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How can I be a compassionate friend to myself? I have been reading a lot about this and have found that people who know themselves perform better in their professional and personal lives. One of the things I want to do is to be happy in my life; therefore, I am pursuing this path of self-discovery. I am committing to spend at least 15 mins 4-5 times a week to understand myself: my thoughts, emotions, and mood.
One way to achieve this self-discovery is the idea of journaling regularly and the other path is the idea of being present in whatever you do (work, cooking, eating, etc.).
Occaisionally, I struggle to figure out what do I want to write about myself that would lead to the best outcomes, but maybe it would come naturally to me with practice. To be a self-critique, self-guide, and a compassionate friend, I need to start sharing my inner thoughts honestly and consistently.
I found a few articles that question to ask oneself. Let me copy some here and start answering those as the first step. By the way, a while back I journeled a few days and felt really better. It was like a venting place for myself and made me a lot calmer.
What went right?
- Call with Mike Daubman
What did you do well?
- I was confident during the call and explained the purpose of Dart
Who did you help?
- The developers, and the org
How did you help yourself?
- By being the communicator, I was able to practice the art of selling.
What was the dominant emotion that you felt throughout the day?
- During the cross-functional call, I felt anxious and under-confident; primarily, due to my lack of knowledge for those WLA topics. I also felt distracted in that call as I ventured to other screen and tabs. For the call with Mike, I felt confident and energetic.
Did you set an intention for how you wanted your day to go at the beginning of the day? If so, did you follow through on that intent?
- I did not. But I wanted to feel awesome today.
Did you waste time?
- Not really, not yet. I have been spending time on important things.
Did you speak harshly?
- Nope, on the contrary, I didn't speak confidently in the cross-fuctional call, perhaps, I was a little timid.
Did you act selfishly?
- Nope
Did you do anything throughout the day that harmed another?
- Nope
Did you do anything throughout the day that harmed yourself?
- I might have self-criticized myself for feeling anxious and under-confident during the cross-functional call, I need to be more empathetic toward myself, with me.
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I think that people should get their minds off themselves and think of others, especially those who need help. People must be becoming more selfish as well as unthankful, rude, and nasty.
ReplyYour question list seems to set you up to further judge and criticize yourself. You're seeking a prescriptive route to self-discovery, but the lists you find online can only be guidelines - you need to tailor the process to suit your own needs. Are you reflecting on each point, or just giving answers? Do you feel that it's helping you? Have you been able to make change using this process?
The list seems to focus on outcomes, but doesn't encourage you to think about what you could do differently, or empower you to set any SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Reasonable, Time-limited) to improve your performance. Some questions just seem to me like an exercise in making you feel bad about yourself over how you didn't meet your own expectations.
In terms of setting an intent for how you should feel, e.g. "I wanted to feel awesome today"... that seems like setting yourself up for failure, because comparison is the thief of joy, and because we experiece emotions as a reaction to things that are often beyond our control (e.g. angry & frustrated because of bad traffic). We can't expect to control our mood through willpower alone.
How about practicing Radical Acceptance? Just let yourself feel whatever naturally comes to you, without judgement, but notice and accept it for what it is - That will surely tell you more about yourself and what you truly value on an instinctive level. It's also a practice tied to Radical Compassion, which is a Buddhist practice aimed at helping to further inner peace.
But more importantly, it's just not useful to you to criticize yourself for feeling under-confident. Instead of being more empathetic with yourself (or, what you seem to be doing, re-inforcing the belief that you are an unconfident person) - what practical thing could you do in order to put yourself in a more confident position next time?
You said you felt distracted by other screens and tabs - would having the info you need laid out side-by-side on the screen at the start of the meeting help you find the right information without needing to search too frantically? Do you need the monitor to be switched off in order to focus?
If you're not confident about the WLA topics, what information do you need to find out, and where can you seek it out?
I think too much focus on *how* we're feeling can actually distract us from the *why* we're feeling that way - you lack confidence in something until it becomes familiar and routine knowledge. Like riding a bike. You can be a compassionate friend to yourself by setting yourself up for success - whether that's by filling in gaps in your knowledge, giving yourself time to prepare materials ahead of your next meeting, or rehearsing what you're going to say so that it comes out assertively.
I think another thing to keep in mind is that Employee Coaching (a thing that managers do) is a very different strategy to what therapists do. It's not clear to me from the way you answered these questions which one you're really trying to adopt.
You have worthy goals, so make sure you give yourself a clear pathway to achieve them! I wish you all the best on your journey. Namaste.
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