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TW: Eating Disorder, Body Dysmorphia, Calories
I was in my mom's car one night, driving. Well, I wasn’t driving, she was. I was considering dying my hair blonde, and using a filter online to try the color. I wasn’t happy with myself. That feeling is normal for me, yet this time it felt different. This time I was thinking of who I would rather see in that camera. So I asked myself: If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? I realized I didn’t want to be Einstein, Obama, or even the wife of my celebrity crush. No, I wanted to be Kate.
Who is Kate? I just transferred to a new school, and she is in my grade. In my opinion, she is the most gorgeous person I've ever met in real life. I wouldn't say ‘met’ because I don’t think she knows I exist. We share a few classes, but we aren’t much closer than that. So why do I want to be her so much? Well, if it wasn’t completely obvious already, she's hot. I know that should be shallow, to be frank, it is, but she’s perfect in every way. She’s skinny, with a large chest and full butt. She’s really funny as well, we played sports together and she was always positive and loud. Ever since I saw her, I tried to find something, anything that was bad about her. I noticed nothing. Her hair is always perfect no matter the time of day or style it's in. Her makeup is always well applied, and I don’t think she’s ever worn the same thing twice.
Kate isn’t all looks though, no. She’s smart too. Unlike the other girls with perfect faces and figures, she has straight A’s and B’s. What really blows me away is that she still has a life. Whereas I have to work my ass off for my A’s.
I want to live a week in her shoes. Honestly I’d give anything to look in the mirror and see someone half as pretty staring back at me. I want to have her friends, and go places with them. I want to see her clothes and makeup. I can only imagine what she does after school, does she do homework? Going out with her boyfriend? What could I be doing if I was as perfect as her.
Well when I heard her speech in a class class last Thursday, I was shocked. She told the class that she had openly been called a ‘whore’ by her own friends. My first thought was very normal. ‘I’m so sorry, I could be a better friend than that.’ Then my brain went a more twisted route, thinking things I know I shouldn’t. ‘If I was like you, I would take being a ‘whore’ any day.’ This was only one of the many thoughts I just couldn't shake. I felt guilty, of course, but I still wanted to be her. I overlooked her friends, who vape in the bathroom, or her parents who are divorced.
If I could eat doughnuts, Oreos, and a bag of pretzels in class and be beautiful instead of tracking my calories and being chubby, I would take the former. If I could have a cute boyfriend at Bellevue High instead of homework, I would take the former. If I could enjoy almost perfect grades and free time with friends instead of curling up in my room and studying, I would take the friends any day. If I could be confident and make friends instead of being socially awkward, I would want the confidence.
God, I feel stupid admitting all of this, but it’s for the best? I don’t know anymore. Seeing her makes me want to workout every hour of the day and not eat until I look like her. Sometimes I feel like going back to my 1,000 calorie diet. Every time I remember restricting and binging and I wished I could be skinny, and I was skinny. I thought I looked so good that I deserved to wear a tight fitting shirt with my sweater open. The sweater still stayed on even in the summer, to hide how fat I felt.
Make no mistake, I still feel fat, and I still wear baggy clothes to hide everything. There really is no happy ending to this, I can't explain it, but I don’t want help. People could tell me I had an eating disorder and I would respond in some sad, appalled manner. The reality is, I’m not sad, honestly I still have one, and I want my restrictive behavior back to be skinny. I don’t know what to say from here, but to whoever had to read this, I’m sorry.
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It is no good comparing yourself to anyone so please forget about this Kate and get help for your eating disorder as you may be anorexic. People are too concerned about how they look nowadays.
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