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killing myself in a few years
1 year ago · · Suicide, · Explicit
Lately I decided to kill myself before i graduate high school. I realized what a baby i am, that I don't want to take on responsibilities once I graduate high school and onto college. I'm not even sure if I want to go to college or uni, maybe the "romantic aspect" of it with friends and people. But the more I think about it, the more I want to die.
I realized that I depend on people a lot, I knew this from a long time ago since the beginning of middle school or something. But now when I look back at it, instead of relying on people as a joke and being irresponsible, I'm relying them to keep me ok. I realized I need people and constant friends to talk to so I don't have to think about anything else, so that I don't want to kill myself. Not a lot of people know this, I usually joke about it and its pretty normal to me. but everybody else says its too far, maybe I'm desensitized to it.
I'm still in my first few years of high school and I'm struggling to find a way to make ends meet with my friends, grades and myself. And I learned a while back that I'm going to change school next year. So I'm planning to do enough crazy fun shit before i kill myself. I hope i die in grade 11, maybe sooner but I don't want to exactly rush it.
I'm not ready to see everyone I know leave when I rely on them so much, this is why I see myself as an absolute idiot or baby. I'm sick of my bullshit, it's not anybody's fault that I'm planning to do this. It's completely mine and I'm okay with it. Everybody has their own shit going on so I don't want to bother them with mine.
I don't want to see the world, I don't exactly need success, I don't need to do many things because all I want is to enjoy things when it's still new and young. I'm almost okay with seeing my parents cry, I guess I might be a little happy thinking about who and how many people who actually cared about me. I feel like this idea of killing myself is more like a fact than anything, I know for sure I might back out last minute, but I hope I don't back out after I graduate high school, or before graduating college.
Maybe I'll record videos of me running around ranting and actually talking about the shit I never tell anyone. Maybe that would be nice. But that's really it, I just needed to type this so I can hear some thoughts about this idea.