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Lately I decided to kill myself before i graduate high school. I realized what a baby i am, that I don't want to take on responsibilities once I graduate high school and onto college. I'm not even sure if I want to go to college or uni, maybe the "romantic aspect" of it with friends and people. But the more I think about it, the more I want to die.
I realized that I depend on people a lot, I knew this from a long time ago since the beginning of middle school or something. But now when I look back at it, instead of relying on people as a joke and being irresponsible, I'm relying them to keep me ok. I realized I need people and constant friends to talk to so I don't have to think about anything else, so that I don't want to kill myself. Not a lot of people know this, I usually joke about it and its pretty normal to me. but everybody else says its too far, maybe I'm desensitized to it.
I'm still in my first few years of high school and I'm struggling to find a way to make ends meet with my friends, grades and myself. And I learned a while back that I'm going to change school next year. So I'm planning to do enough crazy fun shit before i kill myself. I hope i die in grade 11, maybe sooner but I don't want to exactly rush it.
I'm not ready to see everyone I know leave when I rely on them so much, this is why I see myself as an absolute idiot or baby. I'm sick of my bullshit, it's not anybody's fault that I'm planning to do this. It's completely mine and I'm okay with it. Everybody has their own shit going on so I don't want to bother them with mine.
I don't want to see the world, I don't exactly need success, I don't need to do many things because all I want is to enjoy things when it's still new and young. I'm almost okay with seeing my parents cry, I guess I might be a little happy thinking about who and how many people who actually cared about me. I feel like this idea of killing myself is more like a fact than anything, I know for sure I might back out last minute, but I hope I don't back out after I graduate high school, or before graduating college.
Maybe I'll record videos of me running around ranting and actually talking about the shit I never tell anyone. Maybe that would be nice. But that's really it, I just needed to type this so I can hear some thoughts about this idea.
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I hope you don't consider going through with it. I mean youve got your whole life ahead of you. Life is short as is. You can go to college be whatever you want to be if you work at it. There will never be another you. You could help the world, change the world. The possibilities are the sky. Sky's the limit. Don't throw your life away. No life's not a bed of roses it has its rough spots but its worth living. Like when was the last time you laughed til you cried? Things like that are worth living for. stay. We need you. Stay strong.
ReplyThe last time could have been a few days or week ago. I get your point but I think the reason I want to die is because I don't want to do anything but live out my youth. I don't want to go through the pressure of changing the world, there's tons of possibilities of things to do, and of course I'll do some. But right now it feels like dying before I graduate is the best I could do, thank you though.
ReplyTo be honest, reading this, I am not sure of your reasoning for wanting to die. I won't pretend that I understand. But I can tell you this: 1. It's human nature to depend on people and friends. I would be worried if you didn't. 2. Growing up and getting out of high school is scary, and most people won't know what they are doing for a few years, but trust me, you get the hang of it. I didn't know if/where I wanted to go to uni until I had applied and been accepted into one. Even when you go, you will question the decision for a little bit. 3. You can keep in touch with friends after graduation and you will make new ones too.
You should talk to someone about this. Preferably, a trusted adult if you have one, but friends work too. Make sure they know it is not a joke. I promise you, you can work through it, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Highschool is such an insignificant part of your life. At least give life a long hard chance before you decide you don't want it anymore. Not sure how helpful this was, but I hope you find a way to feel better living soon.
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