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Every time I have a fight with my mom it triggers the feeling of wanting to die. I don't have the courage to kill myself, but the feeling has been there since. It comes and goes. I feel like everything I do is wrong and I don't have a purpose in life. Why am I still here if I don't have any worth? I want to hurt myself, but I'm too scared.
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I'm older and have been on my own for quite some time now. I sometimes refer to my father as "The Dark Rainbow".
A rainbow, you see, is supposed to have a pot of gold at either end with beautiful colors arched between them.
When I was young, my father was a good man and I quite enjoyed his company. This, to me, is like the pot of gold on one end of the rainbow. It's a symbol of the good times we had together.
Before my teens, though, he became an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. I can't count the number of scary stories I could share and it's quite unreal some of the stuff I went through growing up. It was easy to have dark thoughts. It didn't seem that carrying on in life would be much fun if he was still in the world. If this is what life is going to be like for me, I think I'll pass as this is scary and I've had enough.
But, out in the world on my own, I found that good people do exist and I was reminded by many, quite often, that I was one of the good ones. My life and living situation was always quite the opposite of what my father had. We didn't speak much for a good twenty or more years. This, as you can imagine, represents the dark rainbow and this is quite the arch as he lived in darkness for the better part of his life.
Years later, he had seemingly turned himself around and cleaned up his act. He was in need of a place to stay for a month as he transitioned to a new place of employment. I was very hesitant at first but finally agreed to let him stay. I let him know, though, that if he made one wrong move, I would have to put him out.
I'm so, so, so glad I let him stay because he really was back to his old self again. We got to spend a lot of quality time together, as men now, and learned about each others lives. It was good to hear so many cool stories of his life from the days before my birth. So much information I had never gotten or probably even wanting before but now it made me happy to hear it all. I wanted to know everything. Good times again and now we're at the pot of gold on the other end of the dark rainbow.
He moved away to take that job and found himself on the other side of the country where, just two years later, he passed away. Had I not let him stay with me, I would have missed out on all that.
Your situation may be different and I'm not suggesting that you extend an olive branch to your mother if she's truly not treating you right.
What is important, though, is to know that a new life awaits you when you move away. She'll be behind you then and, as you look forward, you can make your own life and it doesn't have to look anything like your mothers. I have several children and they have never, not one time, had to deal with the kind of crap my father put me through. One day, you'll have the opportunity to make your own children happy.
If you're feeling really burnt out, and not wanting to push on with life, you certainly need so speak with someone as quickly as possible to get help. If you feel you're in danger, or can't stay with your mother any more for any other reason, you should start investigating a way out.
Hoping you have better days!
Good Luck!
ReplySame. I try to think of the good moments in life to give me a reason to stay even though I know I won't kill myself, I still try to feel joy.
ReplyI felt the same way because when your mom curses or fight with you. it affects the most so thats why, run away to a vacation for a while and come back and talk to her
Replystart hurting your mind, start reading books, start to divert your mind to useful things. avoid fights with ur mom, just say sorry and leave the room . the more your fight the more you would want to hurt urself. try not to fight.
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