I BROKE UP FOR THE GOOD , I SUPPOSE

Well last Saturday I broke up with them. My partner, my love of my life.

I didn't want to but I did. I couldn't do it anymore, they'd love me and still do , I loves them too. I want to be with them yet I don't want to.

Well I am gonna be total honest here.

I hurt them many times with many things like not watching movie of their recommendation, telling them that I love my parents and my relatives the most and I'll always put them first in my priority list , not giving her enough time when I was busy with my studies and with my niece who only visits me once in a year and lastly by telling them after 11 months of our relationship that I was falling out of love

These are the thing I hurt them the most.

Oh no wait there are other things too

I didn't accepted her fully when she came out as transwoman because I was a straight and wanted to have a boyfriend not a girlfriend ( but I accepted it later anyway and was having wonderful time with her), and I also hurt her by asking for her selfie because she has gender dysphoria.

That's it , these are the things I did to her and hurt her alot.

What she did to me was, she would sometimes make me feel worthless and useless garbage, for an instance when I told her that I wanna be a teacher she said it was so wonderfully I would be making futures of the children then the next day when we were talking about something she said that who do teachers do? They don't earn good money doesn't live a good life, worthless people.

She would always say that coding the only thing that's is best and she is so proud of herself that she taught herself how to code. Then sometimes she would say that no other jobs need more skills and patience than coding, according to her coding is the only job exist that is worthful and other jobs are worthless.

She thinks that she needs to be perfect to show the entire world that how perfect a person can be.

She would say best about whatever she does and always make fun of those who is not like her.

She and I used to play duolingo together then I started earning more xps so she got so frustrated and told me that she'd leave the app because she can't not beat me with xps and even said that she will unfollow me there to have some peace. She said she would love to see me getting everything in my love but she could not stand me getting better than her.

She wouldn't tell me the name of her friends, not even her ex's name( but would tell me what nasty things they would do and how much she would love her), she wouldn't tell me her residential zipcode, building name , college name.

She would tell me that I control her and don't give her freedom to speak just because I stopped her twice on while she was speaking ill of people.

Judging is good but it has its limit.

When I told her that I want to buy my parents a house with my own money she said that's impossible because how on earth I am gonna earn that much money.

She would tell me that in this world only she is the one who loves me and other people are al selfish ( I kind of believe that everyone is selfish, so am i)

She would tell me that I need her.

When I told her after 5 months of our relationship that I was a bisexual she said why am I a bisexual. ( I came out first then after 8 months later she came out and I kind of did the same what she did to me , unknowingly)

She would tell me that she would cut her hand if I left her , I would got scared I was so stupid that I believed her.

She would make fun of me of studying much and while studying not using phone at all.

She would tell me that she could stop studying to spend the entire day with me ( she said this because I had been busy with my busy at that time)

She even told me that she would find a new best friend who would give her enough time.

She would say rude things and used to say these are the facts.

I took humanities and she knew that but she would still say that only those who tool science after 10th would become successful.

That day when I told her sweetly that that certain things is not morally correct, she started blaming me of calling her immoral person.

When last month I asked her the name of her university she said, "why do you wanna know?"

And she didn't tell me and went to sleep after few minutes later.

All these she would do to me and then would give me guilt trip and she would made me feel like I am a toxic person.

She would tell me that I am in the charge of the relationship because am the one who confessed to her and then brokeup with her.

So , now I don't know how to stop loving her and love for my self for a bit.

I am so frustrated.