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Me and my boyfriend used to have really good sex, and I mean REALLY good sex. The chemistry was there, and I even got less shy and out of my comfort zone to try new positions. We would text each other dirty little messages or send pictures back and forth while in public because it made the sex when we got back home that much more exciting and passionate. Anytime I would mention I was horny; he would look at me like I was a God. Like he couldn't wait to feel every inch of my body. Everything was perfect, honestly, I wouldn't have called it "sex" I would call it making love. We were...making love, and I enjoyed every moment. Now I can't say the same. Now it is no longer making love it's just straight up sex. There is no longer that chemistry and loving feeling. He will never go down on me, but constantly expects head. I will send a flirty message while in public and he ignores it all together. I tell him I'm horny and he goes "hot" and ignores me, but again wants me to drop everything when he is. I ask to try new things to spice things up and he will just say "yeahhh okay" and laugh. Recently I told him I was horny, he ignored me. The next day we were making out and I thought finally Haha I've been in the mood for two days now. It started off like normal where I would give him head, but then he wouldn't allow anything else. I couldn't kiss him, sit on his lap, he refused to have sex with me. While I was giving him head, I stopped to grab a drink and noticed he was watching porn. We make videos and post them online so it's not like porn is an issue to me, it's just I don't understand why he has to watch it while I'm giving him head. let alone it's not even ours. Today I told him I was in the mood, and he again ignored me. So, I got up and went to the bathroom to shower and while I was in there, I hear him masturbating and watching porn (not ours). I've thought about every reason this could be like maybe has not in the mood but we both have a HUGE sex drive, and he will still want head or masturbate. I've thought maybe I'm not doing good enough which could be the case, but I do it whenever he asks even if I'm busy I'll put everything down and do it (I want to because I have a high sex drive, he never forces me). I've even though maybe he's just not into me anymore, but we have talked, and he says that there is no one else and he loves me. Maybe I'm just thinking too much into this, but I can feel things are different and I don't know it hurts.
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Things definitely have changed, and I wonder what else has changed in your relationship to make him turn like this. I suggest you both see a sex therapist and/or a relationship counselor but if he won't say why he has gone like this I don't know that these will help. Suggest them to him anyway and see if he will agree to go. Tell him that you know that something is wrong and explain to him what he is doing now that is different. If he says he loves you and there is no one else again tell him that you can't see this relationship continuing unless he has sex with you like he did before.
ReplyIt appears that there's something going on with him inorder for him to be doing that. I think you need to talk to him about these issues. I would also take a look at other areas of your relationship and determin if there's any correlation because a real lasting relationship needs more than good sex.
ReplyHe got complacent and is happy doing the minimum. he does love you, he just lost romance. If he no long wants to please you; he doesn't worry about losing you. He might need a scare. But overall, yes talk and talking to a therapist could help. But ultimately, he needs to want to make you happy again and see the benefit of seeing you happy will make him happy.
ReplyYour tolerance of porn and like for it has ruined your relationship but you are too blind to see.
ReplyMiddle aged male here and I have a similar story. I hope in sharing it will help you in some way.
When my wife and I started initially talking, we both had a high sex drive. We would message each other during the day with all the dirty stuff and then meet up later and actually do those things we had texted about during the day. Way back then, I kept my phone on vibrate and always holstered in one of those ridiculous hip clips. I'd be working and, at random, my phone would buzz. It's a text and I can't prevent myself from smiling. I'm sure it's her and, if I'm correct, it's going to be sexy. The muscles would be tense on my face as I fight hard to keep that damn smile from popping through so others wouldn't know what was going on. But, alas, sometimes it wouldn't be her and I'd get bummed. For a good year or so, I had to fight that smile from coming through each time I felt a text vibration on my hip.
Later, we moved in with one another and we were having sex daily. Sometimes it was more than once per day. The dirty texts kept coming.
We got married, got pregnant, and had the baby.
Over time, I found that I no longer got excited over text messages because they just weren't the same as before. In the earlier days, we texted often and the messages were always dirty. As time went on, the dirty messages faded away. Instead, the messages became "Could you pick up some milk on the way home?" or "Would it be ok if my family comes over for dinner tonight?" or "I think I'm going to buy myself a small fridge for work if that's ok.".
But really, it wasn't just the text messages that evolved over time. It was nearly every "part" of our relationship. The texting was far less frequent and the messages were never about sex any more, we found we had less to talk about because we seemed to already know everything about each other, the sex had become routine where it pretty much happened in the same place, in the same times, in the same positions each time. I found myself missing the earlier days when the relationship was new. She used to await my arrival and look at me with lust when I entered the door but now I come home and she finishes watching the stupid video on her phone before she even speaks.
What's worse, and more to the point of your story, is that she lost her sex drive after having the baby. It didn't just fizzle out, it fizzled out hard and fast. I would say that, easily within the first year, she had decided that she no longer really wanted to have sex any more. Doctors told her it was from the chemical changes in her brain from the pregnancy.
It's hard for a person who has sex on a regular basis, say once per week or so, now have to go without it for two or three weeks but it's a very different thing if you were having sex daily but now having to wait two or three weeks. Even we did have sex, it wasn't fun any more. She really didn't want to do it but was letting me, essentially, have my way with her so she'd get the clothes off, get into position, and then just lay there doing absolutely nothing and let me do whatever I needed to do until I finished. It's very difficult to get to the finish line when you're partner is being such a turn off. Her eyes are closed, she's not moving, she's not holding me, she's barely making any noise, no dirty talk, etc.
It was tough dealing with this when it all first started but it only got worse for me over time. I found myself getting angry at her about it. For a while, she tries to "fix" things by starting up the dirty texts again but that only made things so much worse. She'd text me and we'd have a very dirty back and forth like we used to and, in that, she'd tell me about all the dirty things she'd want to do to me. But, I'd come home and get ready later that evening only to find that she's changed her mind. She's not in the mood now and that's just not going to happen. Imagine if I texted you stating that I had a present for you at home but, when you arrived, I told you that I've decided not to give you the present. Crazy, right?
To make this sex thing even more interesting, and to explain something else I lost, we used to be swingers. So in addition to having lots of sex with each other, we also used to sleep with other people. Sometimes we were together with another couple, sometimes she'd go out alone with a guy, sometimes I'd go out alone with another woman, etc. We did it all and had a blast. But, when she lost the drive, it wasn't just with me, she just lost the drive altogether. So I'm home with my wife who doesn't want to have sex any more and we're no longer swingers. Some rut. The wife has given me full permission to swing and says that I should so I can still have sex and says, in fact, it could be helpful to her so I don't ask her for it all the time. I appreciate her offer but our town isn't too terribly large and there's a very, very small percentage of folks living this lifestyle. Now eliminate the ones who don't want to sleep with me, eliminate the ones that I don't want to sleep with, and you're left with only a handful of folks I've probably already been with or something. Most swinging couples are looking for other couples, not single men, so it's not a realistic option for me any more. Imagine your spouse telling you, "You know what, today I'm going to let you blow a million dollars in town!" Well, that's great that you've given me permission to do this but you also know we don't actually have a million dollars in the bank.
At any rate, now that I've said all that, I can say that what I've described of my wife so far makes her sound like a monster but she really isn't. We've been together for many years now and still love each other dearly. We rarely get into arguments. Because of her also not wanting to swing, I also know she's not just turning away from sex from me but rather just sex in general. And, as far as the dirty texting and such fading away, I think that's just the evolution of a relationship and I'm guessing this happens to most. It's nice to have dirty messages come through from time to time and act on those impulses later that night but I doubt it's happening daily, weekly, or even monthly for most folks that have been together for a long window of time.
I've said all that to say this - some of what you're describing could simply a part of the evolution of your relationship. That doesn't make it any easier to handle, I know, but could be possible. Something else I can point out is that I've been dealing with the "very little sex" thing for years and it doesn't get any easier for me. If you don't think your situation will change, you may wish to have a serious talk to explain your concerns and, if things don't change, you may have to move away from the relationship. Don't convince yourself that "It'll get better after we get married", "It'll get better after we have children", "It'll get better after we buy a house", etc. because that's probably just not going to be the case and, instead, you'll be dealing with these same issues but you'll be mad crazy from it all several years down the road.
And to peel back the curtain over here, I can share a couple of things with you that could be why your friend isn't getting excited any more. For one, men are generally not as good about wanting to give sexual pleasure to their partners. Instead, they are going for their own orgasm and that's really about it. For you two, maybe he was doing things for you, like going down on you and getting undressed when you said you were in the mood but, now that things have been serious, he's evolved because, mentally, it's like "Well, I have her now - she's mine so I no longer need to do those things to win her over." I'm not him, I'm not friends with him, and I've never spoken to him so certainly can't confirm but this could be a reason he's not doing his part for you any more. What's more is that he may not be doing this on purpose. It could be that you could have that serious talk with him and let him know that he's no longer doing his part and let him know how that makes you feel. Maybe he just didn't realize before what kind of impact this is having on you and he'd be willing to step back up to the plate and change his ways. The second point I can make is that I found myself, many times, doing something similar to him with regard to not wanting sex with my wife but, instead, would make time for porn and masturbation. I can explain why because I certainly wouldn't prefer it to be that way. We've had sooooo many times where I wanted to have sex soooo badly and the wife reluctantly agrees. Now I'm trying to do my thing and she's just sacrificing herself and this isn't fun. I'm leaning in to kiss her while I thrust and she's turning her head because she doesn't want a sensual kiss. In fact, she's not wanting anything sensual at all. So no participation and you're turning away from me and I just can't, I just can't keep my head in the game and I find myself actually losing my erection! I stop, pull away, and tell her that I just can't finish. You think, weather I finished or not, she'd just be glad that it was all over but, instead, now she's actually kind of pissed as if I'm suggesting I don't find her attractive or whatever. Oh lord, not that. We make our way to the bathroom to clean up and, sometime after she falls asleep, I get up and finish myself off with some ease. I just couldn't do it with her because it was such a turn off.
Your issue could be partly because of the evolution of your relationship, as I already mentioned, but it could be that there is something about you or your demeanor during sex that is turning this guy off. Maybe your lower section has a smell that you're just not aware of, maybe your lower section has excretion on it that turns him off, maybe you've gained weight and he's not as attracted to you, maybe, maybe, maybe, the list could on and on and on. And I'm not saying that there actually is something about you or your demeanor that's turning him off now but that could be the case. And maybe he's hiding this from you because he doesn't want to hurt you feelings by saying something like "Yes, well, I used to like going down on you but now you always have this smell and I don't like doing that any more." Ok, if you two have a conversation about it, maybe you can just freshen up before the big event and then everything would be ok again. For now, he's probably opting not to have sex with you but then sneaking off to masturbate because he does, in fact, want to have an orgasm, he's just wanting to have sex with you for some reason. It's important to understand why.
In the end, I think the most important thing for you two to do is to schedule a time for the near future in which you two can sit and visit to discuss this. Make sure he realizes how important this is and try turning off devices that could distract - phones off, tv off, etc. Explain the problems you're having and give him the opportunity to explain his actions, or lack of action rather. You have issues, we know, but he may have issues that you aren't yet aware of and he may just not be comfortable bringing up for fear of losing you, getting you upset, or making you angry. He may think he's doing the right thing. In the talk, make sure he's aware of how important this is and remind him of what sex used to be like for you two and let him know that you miss it and you're not sure what's changed.
I hope things get better for you. Coming from someone with experience, it's a long bumpy road if you don't and if you think you're frustrated now, you have no idea how upset you'll be about all of this years from now. It's no fun.
There's still hope for you and I'm wishing you the best! I hope you two are able to schedule a talk soon and that you're able to work through your issues.
Good Luck!
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