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I hate this feeling of loneliness.
1 year ago · · Helplessness,
Last night I was lost in my usual thoughts about life again and came to the conclusion that I'm currently living a really lonely life.
I really love Christmas and already decorated the tree and the house. I was really proud of my work and wanted to share it with someone...but then I noticed I have no one to talk to about this or share my excitement with.
Also, since my sister got into a relationship now it just shows me even more how alone i am and that I'm really just unable to do the same due to me being afraid of being vulnerable with people.
The commitment and intimacy scare me so much to the point that I push everyone away without even noticing. My social skills are also 0..
I don't know if I'm even able to get into a relationship in the future.. in my 22 years of life I have only been really "in love/had a crush" with two people... one guy who was toxic as hell and used my empathy to make himself feel better and the other man who Is currently my coworker but it was onesided and I'm now pretty much over him as well because I noticed that I go for unavailable men because i seek validation from them.
I'm so frustrated with myself because I feel like I'm a burden for people anywhere i go and that I don't belong there, even when I really force myself to be social, it just feels like I'm annoying everyone, it is just such an automatic thought that pops up, I can't avoid it.
My work is also quite lonely since I don't even have people to do smalltalk with... i'm always the person chasing after them or starting a conversation.. otherwise no one would talk to me.
I really ask myself when everything went downhill because last year everything was still fine, I had friends, a work I enjoyed and a social life...I just wish things were like before and I could start all over again or just disappear..