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I don't want to feel anymore...The anger...The sadness...The anxiety...The fear...The guilt...The grieve....The insecurity...The loneliness...The "getting angry because i'm scared"....I don't want to feel it anymore...Me and everyone else would be better off if i didn't feel any emotions...I can't control it anymore...It's just there and it won't go away...I'd rather be six feet in the goddamn ground in a casket filled with white roses died from the blood that pours from my arms than feel emotions and risk hurting someone....I WANT IT TO DISAPPEAR! I WANT TO DISAPPEAR...! I'm tired of hurting others...especially if they don't deserve it...It just isn't fair...I yelled at my mom yesterday because me and my sister were talking about being Aunts and we get deeper into the conversation and eventually she said "well at least Shawn was there" because we were arguing that technically she was already an Aunt too because of my sister Hannah. And when she said that it triggered a side of me i haven't seen in a year...I though it was gone...But it came back...I was so angry...I was sad...And i wanted her dead at the moment...Then i went in my room and screamed and cried then i punched the wall...I haven't been that way since 6th and 7th grade...I don't know why it got that bad...But it did...I don't want to be like that...I'm already angry and sad and shaky and scared because of what happened to my friend...I still see him in my dreams and head and sometimes in person...Sometimes he's hanging there dead and sometimes he's alive....And he's talking to me...Telling me things are going to be okay and he promised me that things would get better...Then he hugged me and disappeared...I lay in bed crying because i miss him and i want him to come back...I need him...I want him...I'd rather it have been me that died than him...
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Trust me, I have tried that so many times.
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