What are you looking for?
I used to be Number 1
2 months ago · · university, · Explicit
All throughout primary school, and high school, I was the 'smartest', or the most creative or that student that does above and beyond and gets the best grade out of the class. Now, as a 2nd Year university student, I'm fucking fighting for my life. I hate this. What happened to me?
I used to be great - I was so creative and could produce big and bold work for my artsy subjects. I'm studying an artsy degree right now and man...I've got no inspiration. Nothing. My creativity is dead, my motivation is almost non-existent.
When I'm in the class all day, I smile and pretend I'm having fun in class but really, I'm so fucking miserable because my work isn't the way I want it to be. I see other people's work in my class and it makes me want to light myself on fire. Am I being petty and envious? Yeah, maybe. I was brought up by my parents to be competitive. From the start of my academic life, my parent would tell me to always strive for the best, be the best
Be the best!!
And now, I am clearly not that, and it is stressing me out, man. I'm literally pulling out my hairs because I can't handle this. I'm struggling. I'm afraid, I'm anxious, I don't know what to do.
Some may tell me to take a break, rest, relax- No no! I can't! That's the last thing I wanna do now, and I'm saying this as a hardcore procrastinator already! I have no self-worth because it has always relied on my academic success. If I'm not The Best then I'm a failure. I will start telling myself horrible things and be my own bully. Heck, that's already started, I've been fighting for my life in this damn university since the semester started. Maybe I can't do this.
If I say I wanna drop out (I don't wanna drop out, I WANT this degree) my parents would get so mad. I'm supposed to be a role model for my younger siblings. I'm the first-born eldest daughter of immigrant parents. I'm the first person in our family to have this opportunity and I feel like I'm failing it because my work just doesn't seem like it will reach the same standard as everyone else's, and I'm not getting any help from whoever I ask.