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All throughout primary school, and high school, I was the 'smartest', or the most creative or that student that does above and beyond and gets the best grade out of the class. Now, as a 2nd Year university student, I'm fucking fighting for my life. I hate this. What happened to me?
I used to be great - I was so creative and could produce big and bold work for my artsy subjects. I'm studying an artsy degree right now and man...I've got no inspiration. Nothing. My creativity is dead, my motivation is almost non-existent.
When I'm in the class all day, I smile and pretend I'm having fun in class but really, I'm so fucking miserable because my work isn't the way I want it to be. I see other people's work in my class and it makes me want to light myself on fire. Am I being petty and envious? Yeah, maybe. I was brought up by my parents to be competitive. From the start of my academic life, my parent would tell me to always strive for the best, be the best
Be the best!!
And now, I am clearly not that, and it is stressing me out, man. I'm literally pulling out my hairs because I can't handle this. I'm struggling. I'm afraid, I'm anxious, I don't know what to do.
Some may tell me to take a break, rest, relax- No no! I can't! That's the last thing I wanna do now, and I'm saying this as a hardcore procrastinator already! I have no self-worth because it has always relied on my academic success. If I'm not The Best then I'm a failure. I will start telling myself horrible things and be my own bully. Heck, that's already started, I've been fighting for my life in this damn university since the semester started. Maybe I can't do this.
If I say I wanna drop out (I don't wanna drop out, I WANT this degree) my parents would get so mad. I'm supposed to be a role model for my younger siblings. I'm the first-born eldest daughter of immigrant parents. I'm the first person in our family to have this opportunity and I feel like I'm failing it because my work just doesn't seem like it will reach the same standard as everyone else's, and I'm not getting any help from whoever I ask.
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No matter what happens, if you get the degree, if you hardly pass or if you don’t. Even though you might think that you are not doing your best. You are. University is a really small part of your life, a degree, and get ready for what i am about to say because you won’t believe me, is not worth shi& these days. You can be, do whatever you want. Look bottom line, you are doing your best for your parents, you will love them, give them your love even when they see that you didn’t get where they wanted you to. You love them and the love you give will not change. You did your best for them. Its clear the things you are doing are not for you, find your passion, find what you want to do, and start there, you can make it, everybody can, it’s amazing you held to this point. Good luck!
Replythank you :) the subject i'm studying is one that i have wanted to pursue since i was like 14 years old, but idk, that passion seems to be dying a little bit because of how much i'm struggling... and i don't want to disappoint my parents by saying that after all these years of prepping for this kind of career, i want to change my mind. I still like this subject, it's just difficult to enjoy it when i feel miserable and inadequate in the course, yaknow?
ReplyHey, Comment #2 back: Just wanted to add that regarding your passion. I personally had a passion for engineering, it was interesting for me. Now i am about to finish that degree, and i found out what my true passion is. It’s helping others, i found out when i did it a couple times, i felt alive more than ever. Maybe your passion really died, just do what makes you feel alive :)
ReplyIf you were doing school work online at home when the schools were closed because of covid you probably have developed a mental ailment like so many others and this has affected your learning ability.
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