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My shityy life
1 week ago · · Need Advice, · Explicit
First of I know that some people have it worse then me so I probably shouldn’t complain about this stuff but I have to talk to someone.
Now let me explain the title, at the end of the summer break I had a boyfriend the break up ended badly, the reason was that I was too cold and reserved and I didn’t like the guy in the first place but I gave him a chance because he was one of my best friends and I didn’t want to hurt him, but also from psychological perspective I didn’t think I deserve to be with someone I like.
In the relationship I was purposely trying to make myself seem bad and even tho I was doing it I still don’t understand why. Anyways I broke up with him, he started hating me after that and all off my closes friends abandoned me too. Also in the summer I went to this camp and fast forward something happened I got drunk with some people, disclaimer this was my first time drinking and I’m 17 years old, my parents then got extremely mad and still mention that to this day(it happened in July ). But I don’t regret what happened at camp because it was the first time I had some fun with a larger group of people (I had anxiety my whole life and still do) my mom lost it even tho I was a good kid my whole life. The end of summer break was pretty much the beginning of my struggle, I go to one of the top schools in my country, and first two years I had advanced English and literature but at the beginning of this school year I switched to advanced math physics and
Science. This was a big step because I changed to a completely different class with completely different teachers, it was like the first day all over again. Also now I had advanced math and my whole life I had an A in math, I started failing it now because I missed a lot, the advanced math is on a completely different level and last year I had math classes lesser then before, because again I was in advanced English. Since that started happening I started to doubt my self worth as I always do. My self esteem was always bad but since I was an excellent student and a people pleaser before, my self esteem was pretty much controlled by people when they say I’m good or the grades say I’m good then I’m good but now there is no such thing to tell me I am good so I feel like a complete failure. Also with no friends and no one to talk to it was pretty hard. When I go to school I feel overwhelming anxiety, I cant show up to school with out spending hours getting ready. Even tho I’m pretty and ppl constantly tell me that, boys hit on me I still feel ugly, and I think to myself are they all lying to me! ( I know this sounds like a pick me girl stuff ) I’m also really shy and feel like all the eyes are on me constantly seeing every little mistake, that is one of the biggest reasons I hate school. I know it’s irrational like if they are laughing at something I immediately think like they must be talking about me. In my second school (music school) , yes I go to two schools, (and go to many extracurricular activities as well, this again is much more connected to self esteem because with many activities I’m trying to prove how good I am, and constantly trying to be the best and do the most) i started preforming badly as well because I studied math all day trying to keep up.
Life at home is no better every day when I come back from school I’m fighting with my parents, for the most stupidest things. I get that they are very stressed because my family is buying a house and they have a big decision to make, and my grandpa has cancer so my mom is very worried. They have been an fair to me a lot because of their stress being angry at the slightest mistakes and then I get angry and I go over board too, saying things I know I shouldn’t have said.
Yesterday was one of those days, I come back from school feeling awful like I always do. Since my school is 1h and 30min away from my house I came home at 9pm, I’m very tired and since it is a Friday night I want to relax I was literally half of the day in one in half in the seconds school. I went to eat, I got my phone with me he starts saying give the phone you can’t be on your phone when you are eating, I don’t see anything wrong with looking at my phone especially after such long day, I understand that I shouldn’t be on my phone when family is eating together and I never do that, but since I’m eating alone after such a long day I didn’t see the problem. Since I didn’t want to argue I give him the phone, then I get ready for bed, and then I go to take my phone but he doesn’t allow me to be on my phone again saying go to sleep. I try to explain to him how tired I am and that I want to relax a bit since is a Friday night I wanna watch a movie because tomorrow I have to study the whole day since I have a math exam on Wednesday. He doesn’t understand, at this point I get angry, I’m already stressed and he doesn’t want to leave me alone and I raise my voice since he isn’t listening saying the same thing. Then he gets angry hits me with his fists and picks me up and violently throws me on the ground. I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to appear weak and looked him straight in the eyes, seeing that I’m not scared as he wanted me too be he gets even more angry and starts pushing me. My mom comes rushing in and she starts yelling at me. Then she told (in private) me that I should learn to just do what he says and not argue with him because he knows how difficult he can be. She said that they used to argue like that at the beginning of the marriage and that there is no use to argue with him and that I should just keep my mouth shut because he is my father and I have to do what he says no matter what. What really hurts is that my mom isn’t on my side even when she knows I’m right because she doesn’t want to get into the fight with him.
I feel so alone, and worthless, and like I’m failing at every aspect off my life.
Thank you, if you read this, I know it’s a