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I don't know where to begin from. I am not even sure if I will post it. Trying this for first time as I was experiencing an emotionally low moment. Some may think (I also think) that probably I am going overreacting to this, but honestly I don't know how not to feel this way.
I love my father and respect him very much really but also I am afraid of his anger and don't want him to feel disappointed because of me. My father does have high expectations from me but I really don't think that I can fulfill them. I am in college 2nd year at present. He wanted from me to grab top colleges but I didn't put that much efforts at the time of selection and got an average college. He never said it but I can still feel his disappointment. He never scolded me for that. He said to focus on future and pushed me to work hard to grab good job opportunity. He wants from me to perform my best and believes that I will achieve great heights by that. But I am satisfied by having a normal life and enjoying the moments along the way.
I come from a strict background where I know that I can't go out much with my friends, be back before 5-6p.m if not in college, not going anywhere without prior information and so on. I never tried or even thought of rebelling against those rules. Today in college my classmates and I tried to pull a mass bunk for a period and it went unsuccessful due to some reasons but only 5 students were in class and rest of us were out bunking it. When I reached home and was talking to my mom I kinda told her about the ordeal. I don't know how but my father got to know of it. He was so angry and he felt that I was not taking my studies seriously. He said some mean things but didn't realise that. When I couldn't stop myself from crying he said that I always overreact whenever he tries to make me understand something. I am not sure if I overreacted or not atleast I feel that I don't cry whenever he says no to anything.
I feel like a failure even though I know it wasn't such a big thing. I feel that I always cause him disappointment.
He doesn't like love marriages he is totally against of being in a relationship so in past also if I liked someone I always friend zoned them which wasn't that difficult cause they were all stupid childhood crushes. I am always afraid to like someone as I know it won't end well cause my father can never approve it and I don't want to make him more sad Or disappointed. I never got close to anyone so that I won't grow feelings for them. But recently I started liking a guy, he is so nice and I am afraid of feeling this cause it is the feeling from which I always run away from. I don't want to distance myself from him cause I love spending time with him and I also don't want to do something that my father will feel ashamed of.
Please do tell me what should I do.
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You should stop bothering to not disappoint your father. If you keep this up you will spend your life pleasing your father instead of yourself. This is your life and not his so do what you think is best not what he thinks is best. Listen to his guidance and decide for yourself what you want from life. Too bad if he doesn't like marriage, if you want to be in a relationship go ahead and if you want to get married go ahead and do it. If he doesn't go to your wedding it is his loss, and if he doesn't want to know his grandchildren itis even more his loss. Do your own thing.
ReplyYou need to have an honest conversation with your father about who and how you are. Tell him you want to share with him some very important information about you but only if he promises not to be angry or disappointed. If he can't or won't make that promise, don't have that conversation.
This is your life, not his. Consider the following.
Family members, friends, neighbors, and teachers began labeling us starting at an early age. This continues to this day and along the way we accept and adopt some of these descriptions – I am pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, clumsy, athletic, smart, stupid, rude, sensitive, perceptive, naive, sad, serious, cautious, reckless, emotional, etc... We began seeing ourselves as this defined limited character (a separate self) and our thoughts and behaviors are consistent with this idea. Our ‘separate self’ character feels incomplete and imperfect and wants to get what is missing while getting rid of problem areas.
When the unwanted happens to us or the preferred does not and every time our effort to fix ourself fails, we suffer. It comes in the form of agitation, irritation, boredom, disappointment, regret, jealousy, anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness, anger, grief, pain, or some other unwelcomed feeling or sensation.
Each of us are self-aware to an extent but when this knowledge is not clear, our true nature is hidden. A close look reveals that the most common element found in every one of my experiences is my presence – ‘I am there’. When I am sad, I am present there. When I am happy, I am present there. When I am scared, I am present there. When I am in love, I am present there. When I am angry, I am present there. I AM the always present AWARENESS that has no shape, size, age, race, gender, weaknesses, needs, or demands. As undefinable unlimited AWARENESS, I can’t be harmed and resist nothing.
The dance of creation is all of GOD’s creatures just experiencing each other and surrounding things. Animals do what they must and then enjoy their down time moments or sleep. After handling our obligations, instead of enjoying ourselves, we usually try to make our current situation different / better than it is. We attempt to acquire and secure preferred objects, circumstances, wealth, activities, and / or relationships expecting them to deliver lasting peace, love, and happiness. Any satisfaction that results from these efforts is only temporary. I finally realize that these coveted feelings are not earned, produced, provided, achieved, or possessed. Peace, love, and happiness have always been and will always be our essential nature. They shine through my being and energize my actions now that I see clearly.
Keep enjoying the moments in your life. The necessary stuff will find you. You don't have to look for it.
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