i hate you

why do you keep pulling me towards you

still holding back, surprising, out of the blue

when you feel like it send a sign my way

turning my life pink from this dark gray

how can i ever tell what you want from me,

not looking into your eye, letting you see

how i hate you, from deep in my heart,

hate you so much it’s making me cry,

when you overdo, when you just stand by,

everything you do it’s making me scratch my fucking eyes out.

i sometimes wish i never even met you,

so i don’t live in what you put me through,

effortlessly, carelessly playing with me

my feelings, my love, my body, my needs.

i wait as you’re just sitting on your throne,

what would have happened if you left me alone.

i hate how you behave with other people,

i hate how you act so irresponsible,

i hate how you always pretend to be though,

i hate how you swallow all bad things someone says without a cough.

i hate how you act different with me,

like you forget how we are supposed to be,

i hate when you pretend everything’s okay,

when i know you will remember and will be in shatters about it the next day.

i hate that you make me feel like shit,

when i’m with you, like i worth nothing.

i hate how i feel i’m there for you just in case

like you would replace me anytime, with anyone, any day.

i hate it when we’re alone, just the two of us

i hate that i feel that’s when you’re honest,

about your feelings, your life, your thoughts,

when in reality, how would i even know?

i hate how you always text me, and it makes

my heart flutter, my stomach turn, my cheeks burn

i hate how much effect you have on me,

even with this timid, simple gesture.

i hate how i get jealous, when i don’t have the right to be,

why would i, we are nothing, we just fuck if that’s how we feel,

i hate how i know you notice but you don’t do anything,

you just play it cool, when i know sooner or later it gets tiring.

i hate how after all this, after i despise you,

after i know i will cry about this too,

after you once again haven’t changed a bit,

i want you to hold me like it was my last wish

i hate you but i want you to kiss me,

again and again and look me in my eyes,

reassuring me that it is all alright, it’s fine,

‘noone gets to see you like that, because you are mine.’

i hate you but i want you to make love to me,

have you all over me, acting so nicely,

saying all things we never say to anybody,

even after countless times it doesn’t get boring.

i hate that you know everything, everytime,

i hate that you know when i hate you,

i hate that you don’t believe i love you,

when i would give up everything for you.

you, you, you, it always come back to you,

you are my hatred, you are my tears,

you are my misery, you are my fears,

you are the flower petals they would cover my dead body with,

beautiful, what will always stay with me but never the way i want it.

i just wish i could really hate you, but my heart doesn’t let me,

this hold you have on me doesn’t let me get free,

i really wish i wouldn’t care, to stop this pull,

but the truth is, more than anything in this world, i love you.