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I don't think Ive had a single experience of my loneliness being by my own will but more imposed for situations or being ignored by people I then considered my world. I feel like most of the time when I am alone I get one step closer to being self destructive again, I try to escape usually by constant work and distractions but feelings are scary?
I just overall don't have good experiences in being alone and I'm in a constant search of productivity just like I am right now, I just really wish I had company even if it is silent. I'm scared at the same time people look at me differently as if I am insecure. Maybe its just for being at home it makes me nervous but I don't know where to go either?
I have strong feelings and cant help but become paranoid of friends, its been better progressively. Just that at any moment I feel like I lose my identity and don't know who I am, I get awfully nervous then just praying to be able to leave and never come back. I'm trying to not head of to old habits, just that sometimes its hard. I cant help not being paranoid and giving to my phobia.
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