What are you looking for?
I just want to go home
1 year ago · · Anxiety, · Explicit
About a year ago all my friends and my fiance left me. My fiance never gave a reason, and my friends said I treated them like trash and I shouldn't be so overemotional. I didn't get an excuse to treat them like garbage just because my fiance left me. It didn't matter that it had been seven years. It didn't matter that they helped him move out in 2 hours. All that mattered was that I was treating them like shit, and they couldn't stand for it.
This was in response to rejecting a present.
Less than a week after my fiance broke up with me my 'best friend' sent me a long hatefilled message. It was about how much I hurt her, how much my actions were unjustified, how I was a coward, and how sick and tired she was of my abuse.
My family took me in again. They brought me back to my childhood home and are letting me stay here, but the week I moved in my sister was moving out. I got to sit in my room while my family supported her and when she moved out I thought they'd be ready to hear me.
Then my brother had a mental breakdown. The moment my sister was out of the house he started screaming at my mom every day. I would wake up to 'It's all your fault' and 'I hate you'. I took care of my mom and brother while they were at odds. My brother started to tell me how I ruined his life, how I helped destroy his future. My mother would lie in bed until she could face my brother and it would all start over again. By the time my brother started getting the help he needed my parents were moving away for the winter. They left me with my brother, the two of us would take care of the house while they stayed in warmer climates and despite our bad blood I was relieved not to be left alone.
But 2 weeks after winter hit a friend of ours had something similar happen. A family friend broke up with his fiance, who was abusive, and my brother left to fly across the country to comfort him. I was left alone. My parents asked a different family friend to move in with me, and she did, but it wasn't the same. My family pressured me to sign up for therapy. My therapist was nice for the first 2 sessions but in session three she said I should consider that my friends were in the right and that I was the problem.
I think I might be. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems like that's all I'm good for. Every time I turn around people say it's my fault, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what I've done to hurt them. I mean if someone says all their exes are crazy then they're the problem, right? My new friends say I shouldn't think like that, but I keep thinking I've just fooled them. Some day they'll realize it was all a lie and they'll leave me too. I'm so tired of being unwanted, of being a poison drink getting passed around from group to group. I want to get better, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I keep thinking I want to go home, but there is no home for me anymore. I haunt my childhood home like a specter, like a ghost no one can find the right exorcism for. I keep being told by my family that they love me and want me here, but it's not really true is it? They all left the moment they got the chance.
I don't want to hurt my new friends. I don't want to live like this anymore.
I just want to go home...