I want to die in February

I'm too chicken to do it but I keep hoping that sometime in late February I will die in my sleep and go quick and easy. The holidays will be over, my husband's birthday will be over, Valentine's day will be over, even though I don't care about that one so much. And that's part of it; my relationship itself is so stable and happy that every day is Valentine's day yet I still suffer depression just chemically and I have existential dread about the future. If I was rich enough maybe I wouldn't gaf because at least I wouldn't have to worry so much. My kid is awesome too but I have failed him in so many ways. Maybe the world would be better off without me in it. My husband would still take care of my son even though he's not his child by blood. He's about to turn 18 anyway. My husband would help him, I know. His bio dad is already dead and I could be dead too and he would be ok. I don't even take care of myself that much anymore and I have been eating more sugar since I was told I needed to be tested for diabetes, smoking a lot of cigarettes too. I have a history of heart disease in my family and I probably have it too. I don't care. I want to die in February. Like maybe the 25th? So I just keep hoping it will happen and that if there's a god she hears my prayers to just let me die in my sleep after all the holidays are over. Then I can just stop worrying because I will be dead. Unless god hears me and gives me a load of money to solve all the things I worry about, but let's face it, I need about 25 grand for all of the things I'm worried about and it's a lot more likely that I will die than have 25 grand fall in my lap so I'm being realistic, praying to die instead, because it just so happens my kid is the beneficiary of my 25k life insurance policy through work anyway. Whattttt a coinkydink. Please god strike me dead 2/25/23