What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
My life at the moment seems plagued by some sort of demonic interference. First subject to some sort of bizarre upbringing completely antithetical to Christian ideals, I now struggle not only with the handicap of that, but, also with this unexpected psychosis/derealization. Time seems to fly by faster than I can catch it. I struggle to do basic things to get everything perfect around the house, and for the children. The children seem periodically under attack, and given to sin too. I know it is much worse even for others, but I cannot help but contrast the present state to what might have been, in another life.
In another life, I might have grown up on a beautiful Amish farm; somehow, this would have been a vegetable farm, without animal slaughter (I know, something that does not quite seem to happen on an Amish farm). It would have been a beautiful, peaceful farm. A beautiful red building, tucked away in rolling, half forested hills, somewhere beautiful like Wisconsin or Pennsylvania. The sunsets would have been great going down behind the trees, and the whole place would have had a pervasive calm, and peacefulness to it.
But these external things would have paled in comparison to our family. Where I would belong, from birth, in a grateful and excited way. My mother and father would have been this graceful, dynamic duo - my father working hard out in the field every day, and my mother gracefully caring for things around the home, and perhaps the animals, if there would be an animal husbandry, sans murder, aspect to it. We would be truly self-sustaining, such that it could never be said we were exploiting anyone else for our livelihood. And the land would truly be ours, such that we would not fear rising rents or any such economic instability. We would truly be "safe" and "at peace" without any stress of any kind.
Mom would consequently have been fantastic and kind, able to be fully human outside of this stress. She would have been very self controlled, hard working, and abundantly pleasant emotionally: a giver, and non critical, because what would there have been to criticize? She would run a well functioning, traditional Christian home, with wonderful interior décor matching a cozy, loving environment. Everything would be clean, and well kept, and there would be this loving sense of belonging - without any expectations besides the very doable and fun to learn things like quilting, sewing, making clothes, helping out on the farm - things that are so easy in comparison to being pressured into 15 AP courses, and having to mindlessly compete with antisocial strangers in STEM far-from-reality worthless "techno" knowledge that culminates in the bizarre and useless goal of making an ap, or an engine component on a gas guzzling monstrosity. I guess the latter is somewhat useful, but it has no part or place in this life! No, everything is done with a horse and plow here and by hand, and that makes it wonderful and PERSONAL; there is no technology to distract, or ruin relationships, or hollow them out with "video games" and all that nonsense.
There are beautiful and rich personal relationships; I guess if I did drink coffee, it would be like a rich, well flavored coffee, so satisfying and enjoyable just for the presence of it: wholesome, loving, peaceful, righteous relationships - an abundance of them - without any divisive sin in the way.
The family would, of course, be large - and without miscarriages, or sick children. It would be wholesome, vibrant, visibly healthy, and so large such that one would always have a friend in a brother or a sister. I might even have the luxury of an older brother - a built in life long protector. Nobody would be catty or competitive, nobody would be self conscious, nobody would be cruel or vicious in their speech, there would be no arguments, only peace, God's peace, hoovering over the home making it just as beautiful, if not even more so, than the environs.
Dad would be the clear head of the household, and his decisions would be so sound, so Biblical, so right on every level that nobody would even think to question him - not out of fear, out of respect for his well applied and diligently applied intellect: selfless and purely paternal. Not a trace of any lust problem or aggression, or sick fascinations would exist: no this father would be upright as upright gets. A kind, tender, compassionate, prayerful man - hard working and devoted, but kind and *relational*. This sort of man would never be given to things or achievements: he would be given to his family and the care thereof, and perhaps service to others were there any others to consider in this equation - most likely not - because the ENTIRE COMMUNITY would be like this: strong and wholesome. The church and godliness would be so strong in this community that there simply would be very few people to help at all, each one being blessed in this similar fashion. Perhaps through some strange, rare misfortune there would be one or two people left out for unknown and incomprehensible reasons, but these would be quickly assimilated into other families such that there simply would not be anyone "missing out". Everyone would be doing their share, not in a drudgery, or slave employment, but out of a profound sense of duty and love for the place they have been placed. It would be an innate reaction to finding oneself in such a situation - the desire to maintain a paradise of sorts.
These large abundant families would be populated by these extremely aesthetically pleasing swans of women, who strangely would be capable of having 10-12 children each, without any detriment to their bodies - and easily - in easy labors. amish-young-woman-ironing-black-dress-white-kapp-irons-clothes-wooden-board-walls-window-background-image137436355 Something like that. Their labors would be truly blessed too. No 60 hour painfest of incomprehensible proportions for them.
In their beautifully furnished homes of all wooden floors and furniture, plain and simple yet crowned with works of embroidery showing off the skill and dedication of each woman - their families would flourish. Everything would be stable, predictable, easy to do in a normal amount of time. NOBODY WOULD BE RUSHED OR HURRIED TO DO ANYTHING.
Even the passage of time would seem like a summer breeze billowing through the window. In the faraway distance of this window, heard down some beautifully lit rolling hill, the laughter of children, amidst fields of flowers. God what a heaven that would be!
No mad rush to "educate" everyone. No worthless, soul-killing education to be had - no, past some basic training everything could be learned through apprentices, and by simply scaling back on "needs". Perhaps as luxury there would be a music instrument here or there, but even the learning of this would not be some oppressive drudgery, done for some CV or some other external pressure, but, perhaps arising out of an internal curiosity and playfulness.
Beautiful, tender, relationships, in perfect health.
Nobody would have eating disorders NOR would children be excessively picky demanding artificially enhanced things. No, there would be real peace. The mother would construct, with the help of her daughters, perfectly arranged, completely vegan meals LOVINGLY RECIEVED by her family, without complaint, and there would be no unnatural or fattening deserts of any kind NOR WOULD THEY EVEN BE REQUESTED, BEING UNHEARD OF. Therefore everyone would be abundantly healthy, and there would be no temptation to eat to excess. Nor would anyone want to because the relationships themselves would be so saturated with love and belonging that, nobody would take comfort in food or any things of this nature, because of the sheer fun, and joy, of being in this family - fully understood, loved and accepted by the others.
There would be no mindless "roughhousing". Nobody would be continually kicking each other in the face, brutalizing each other because of some poor, failed, worldly example poisoning the home from external media and poorly selected values. There would be no defiling video games, or defiling anything.
People would CONSTRUCT AND CREATE - maybe beautiful little farm houses, sheds, work equipment, blacksmithing. Beautiful little gardens. Animal care. Irrigation, plumbing. There would be fun in doing basic chores around the place, just for the fun and feeling of pride of doing them FOR THE FAMILY, such that everyone would be RIGHT MINDED and not given to personal acts of hedonism and escapism.
How exquisitely beautiful - lithe and gorgeous farm figures play across the stage of my mind, and I am left wondering if such things died and vanished 100 years + ago as raw debauchery replaced all such objects of beauty. If only I could aspire to such a thing but my own life seems crushed - and locked, such that I could not reach such a joyful conclusion.
My body seems to fight me every step of my existence. It is not given to being naturally lithe or anything. Even with running 5, 6, 7? miles a day, it manages to put on weight rather than lose it. Even with eating largely vegetables, from some mere salad dressing the thing swells up and does not obtain those figures except through straight out prolonged fasting, and even then, it rebounds quickly to its original hideous shape. There is little natural beauty here to behold, although I do note with fear and gratitude that it is far worse for some other people. I know I do not have it "as bad" as many, and I do try to remember that, but it all pales in comparison to this dream - what I would rather actually be, if I could only obtain it.
But even if I were to obtain the form, surely I could not have any more children. It seems like my body has left off even menstruating. It has protested to do me even this favor, that I might even hope for a large and blessed family. And then the prior child has died, assuming there was one in there. Miscarriages now blight my existence whereas before I only had healthy pregnancies, even if they culminated in the world's most painful labors. No swan deliveries here.
And even if I were to have children, they would not be children of THIS WOMAN, but rather, stuck with a Mom who suffers from mental illness of the worst variety - and from whom time itself slips away, such that she must always laboriously fight it. Who can no longer even peacefully perceive the passage of time or the falling of the light - presumably PTSD driving some form of trauma based vision disturbance.
And we are old now, old and without any such farm or anything of the sort. We live in the midst of what appears to be a sort of Sodom and Gomorrah. Schooling is required, and I cannot really use any of the schools lest someone rape my child or imbue them with godless values and foods. I cannot rely on the systems that ought to be upright, and the church is oddly complacent with exploitation - perhaps it can be no other way in this world? And to have an even modest quality of life, one must continually be pounding away that education to the point it is no longer enjoyable but an oppressive, soulless drudgery. My children rightly hate me for putting them through this thing, but what can I tell them - what other option is there?
And so, on a very real level I regret bringing them here, into this world. Even as comfortable as I have tried to make it for them. I can only mollify the blows of the world, that's about it. I can only seek to protect them from all things here in my home. The stress of doing this in the face of this culture is unnerving. The stress of not being this SWAN creature is also unnerving.
It is difficult to wonder - why was I so poorly made? But in the end I know it's probably my fault - sin always being the owner's fault.
Perhaps for a few years there it seemed like things might be different. But whenever we would come up for air, this world would deal us another blow: job loss, economic instability, sickness, the need to move 10+ states, a cruel boss, some sort of awful emergency, some sort of social shafting - it just never got calm and peaceful, and wherever we went we were sort of outsiders, never really "insiders" or "belongers".
To what even would we belong? Probably the church ideally.
The state of the church is not really that awesome, although I guess it's doing sort of OK? I guess I am not one to judge.
But it's not this. This beautiful vision. How is my mind even able to imagine such a thing? Do other animals have imagination as well, that they are given to prolonged flights of fancy at obtaining some "dream like" existence, even while in this world?
I simply don't know.
But time wasted dreaming only makes the rest of reality harder. I must, for better or worse, make the best of "this" reality.
All the elements seem here for a beautiful life. There is a piano in the home. Theoretically the beauty of piano instruction might occur. For the first time ever we have *relative* economic stability (although, for how long, uncertain). We have a backyard, access to a park, educational materials.
It seems like this should be a breeze. There is even access to a gym.
How is it that I have turned out so little result for such wonderful blessings?
Probably, the mental illness and demonic hindrance.
I keep feeling like with more effort, I could crush my reality into this mold. I could force it by sheer effort to fit a Lladro like mold it refuses to fill. I could try to forcibly arrange beauty despite continual adversity.
My own children seem uncooperative to this end. Surely this is my fault. I have expressed anger and not well disciplined myself. My coping mechanisms suck. Instead of beautiful quilting and happy farm work I have subjected them to endless private math tutorials, and crammed writing sessions that even I hate. I have burdened them with the anxieties of this world.
What shall I do, keep them in my house indefinitely, and try to obtain some form of employment as they near college age? Spare them that entire misery by not even pressuring them to achieve it?
And, well, what when they want their own farm and dream like existence, that I cannot give? Or what worse if in that idle time from all this protection they start festering perverse desires, God forbid, to leave and enjoy the mindless idiocy of the world? All of its corrupting and filthy pleasures?
Would it not be better to grow them with some sort of pressure or discipline now?
The Catholic, expensive "prison" schools would serve that end well, were it not for the associated risks. On some level I have no desire to put my children into slave systems, but in a way we are all born into some: might as well be a higher end slave, the only seeming result available. And even for this one must compete and impoverish oneself to be.
If only there were a resurgence of the family farm, that "mucking around in the dirt" that my husband so looks down on. That ineffable beauty that existed before these mindless computers and all their associated ills.
If only some 1950s like utopia could remerge, complete with wholesome marriages, fit people, strong, loving communities, submissive and demure, non-stressed out, women, married to ethical, responsible, not-perverted, right minded, upstanding Christian men. Every beautiful family observed in quaint activities like ice skating on a local pond.
I don't know. Maybe some aspects of this are still obtainable.
I guess that's all that can be hoped for.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Hummingbird In My Garden
Someone once said, Lessons from a Hummingbird Move, Up, Move Down, move forward, move backwards, move sideways and diagonal, Whichever way, Just Move..........
-
08-30-2022 (2:37 PM)
i like to look at dresses, it makes me happy. those free ones, the glamorous big ones, the one you where on picnic dates, the one that flows, the wedding dresse...
The Amish have problems and trouble like everyone else. What if you were Amish and wanted to go to New York for a serious reason and you were told not to go because you will go to hell if you do. You wouldn't like that. Being Amish doesn't mean you would have a wonderfully peaceful life at all. There is no place where people can have a life free of some sort of trouble. I very much doubt life will return to anything like the 50s. People are getting worse and worse.
ReplyYou're imaging a world that has never existed except for in the mind. No lifetime has each minute aspect perfect. You can recognise some aspects that you like and figure out if they're realistic and able to be gained, so that you can take steps to get closer to how you want to live. I'd just say that you need to pick something that you do just for you only and preferably away from the home with others. Just for yourself.
Reply