My Feelings

I don't even know where to begin if I'm being completely honest. My life has just been filled with empty thoughts, anxious thoughts, depressed thoughts, and yet I'm doing nothing about it. I'm just wallowing in my own crippling thoughts and I don't think I have the strength to do anything about it. I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel supported, isolated, empty, and helpless.. it may have to do with the fact that I'm starting to become an adult or how my relationships with people aren't that great. I know I'm struggling, I know I'm terrified but that's not so bad, right? Talking to people can be so exhausting and all I want to do on a daily basis is drink or not be awake with all that I'm dealing with. I'm not happy, I know that much, but what is it that's not making me happy or making me not want to get up in the morning and start my day off with a fresh cup of coffee? Simple. Where I'm living and my battles with my own thoughts. I'm scared to even get up and go to the bathroom or ask for anything because I don't want to feel like a burden. I don't have access to my own car at the moment, I don't have access to my own emotional support, hell I can't even help myself and all I know how to do is just repress my own feelings and feel completely anxious or empty and defeated inside. I know no one can truly help me, they help as much as they can but I have to do it on my own at some point, yeah? Is it wrong that I don't want to? Maybe I should be watching videos that'll help my mental health and make me a stronger person in general. Why don't I do so? I sometimes think that I'm ok and that it's just what I feel in the moment but If I think really deeply into it, I'm not ok. I try to have hope, I do have hope that's probably why I'm still going at this point but also I'm just scared to end my own life... I don't think I actually want to die, I think I just want to feel content and happy with myself and the life I have around me. That's just not accessible to me right now... and I hate it. It's making me feel like I'm going to end up going crazy and I will feel like I have no more self-control. For once I actually want to write how I feel (laughs) because other times I've tried doing this my mind goes completely blank and I feel empty and then other times I just don't have the motivation or the energy to do this bullshit. Maybe it's all not worth it and I'll still be in the same spot I'm in when I'm done writing this shit. I used to write in my journal about my feelings and I know it has helped me a lot just so I can get out what's bothering me. I just don't know what else turned to, maybe that's my negative thoughts speaking for me, I should not let those thoughts get to me but it's just so damn hard when everything else feels like it's not working in my favor, what am i doing wrong? I want to be able to help others that are struggling and that are in the same position as me, I'm sorry if others feel like this too. If I had all the power in the world, I would help those that are struggling as well and help them stop suffering. I have anxiety so I'm not surprised that I'm rambling on and on and questioning everything that I think about or do. I just don't want to feel like this anymore and I know I need help. Sometimes I just can't get everything out, my voice doesn't work or my thoughts don't and it makes me helpless. I'm not going to question it but I don't even know how I'm managing to get this out to begin with and I'm actually impressed (haha) I've been in bed all day doing nothing and especially since I don't have my own car and I'm not living in a house that i feel comfortable or a partner that i feel comfortable with anymore, that's understandable and I feel sorry for myself in ways but in ways I hate myself because I did this, I put myself in this position and it fucking sucks. I just need to remind myself that it's only for now and I won't feel like this forever, I promise you. Don't lose that little bit of hope you have. Even if you are getting up and having the courage to speak, move, eat, feel something means that you're totally not gone. Keep your head up and keep going, you need to know this isn't the end and it won't (WILL NOT) be like this forever, you're a strong individual and I have faith in you, you will get through this. This is just the beginning and you know what I'm so proud of you. We're only human, it's ok to do this that aren't necessarily the best for you, you will have slip ups and that's OK, you're not perfect, no one is, like I said I just need you to keep the hope you have, you're doing great, no one's opinion matters but you're own, yet I know you have trouble even thinking for yourself or questioning if you're on the right path or not. I don't think a lot of people know and they just go with it. Find things on a daily basis that make you feel something, preferably happy. I need you to do that for me and honestly what I'm doing right now feels right and it makes me feel like a weight is slightly getting lifted off my chest each time I type. I like when I can think or get to express my feelings into one and I don't have to worry about others around me, judging me, interrupting me. This feels nice and right. Knowing I have a partner that isn't totally ideal for me and it feels like we're working against each other rather than together is draining. I don't think I'm happy in this relationship, we have moments where it's good and happy and I can be completely myself but other times I don't think I can and I'm pretty sure that isn't a good sign. I know he doesn't give a fuck, I think he may just want someone to support him and make him feel good sexually (his own needs) I can't force him to care and that's the saddest part about this.. knowing that he truly doesn't care and I think I've realized it but I just didn't want to believe it or speak upon it. Does it seem right when you're coming to the person that you love about how you feel and is mentally struggling and they help for a few seconds but then just give up and make you feel like you're the burden and you're doing something wrong, like it was wrong of me to tell you how I've been struggling and that gets in the way of your work or you don't want me to drag you down with me because your a spot where you're strong enough to not go back there. I understand I can be much at times and I don't know if you know this but you're breaking me slowly and I know that. I get scared to even tell you how i'm feeling or when I'm stuck in my own thoughts because I'm anxious or depressed but this isn't new, I've been feeling this way for the past couple of months, I don't think I've struggled this hard in my life and knowing that the one person I should be able to count on and know that should help me and would do anything for me, hurts like hell. I feel like they only do that because they don't want to lose someone that's always been there for them. I'm laughing at myself honestly. This isn't healthy... I hate you. I resent you. I still love you but i think I just hate you way more than love you. I'm all over the place with this but I don't give a fuck, I'm just writing whatever the fuck I want. My confidence is low as fuck, and what is going on in my life and within myself is clearly not helping with that AT ALL. I think I'm just going to stop here, I'm feeling a little gross and just bleh right now. I know I have more to type but I just don't feel like doing this anymore. Who knows maybe I'll be back on here later (haha) i think this has helped me a little and to whoever is reading this.. I hope you're doing ok and if you made it this far, props to you! haha. Bye:)