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I want a better life. Okay, let me rephrase that. I want a more stable life. I know my life is the result of my choices, so I'm the only one able to change the outcome but the older I get the more impossible it seems. Everyone in my life is toxic. My job, my family, and even my best friend are toxic. Everyone says to cut the toxic people out of your life. Which I would have no problem doing if it weren't for the fact that I would have no one left. And being someone with abandonment issues, that option terrifies me. Growing up, every time I did something wrong, my mom would say that trust needs to be earned and I just broke hers. Now that I'm an adult I feel like I can't trust anyone. Everybody has an ulterior motive. "Maybe my best friend only pretends to care because she is playing the long game and one of these days she's gonna pull the rug out from underneath me." My trust issues are so bad. Every time I open up and tell someone something, I instantly regret it. Thinking they could eventually use it against me and that I should have kept my mouth shut. I just want to be okay. But when I try to cut a toxic person out, everyone including myself makes me feel guilty. I just want to feel comfortable in my own life.
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