Just thoughts

Tonight I went to my grandpa's house for yet another Thanksgiving dinner. My grandpa doesn't say much these days, doesn't really understand what's going on half the time but tells us "Bye. I love you. Be happy." And my family snickers because he says it over and over again. But hell. I think it's sweet and I don't have many people tell me that these day so I'll take it gladly.

My mom and my aunt and I went up to my grandparents bedroom and went through my grandmother's costume jewelry. She died a little over a year ago. We were looking at this stuff, giggling over the 80's jewelry and the jewelry she had bought from my aunt. The charm bracelets with my cousins faces on them and the necklace charms with my uncle on them. There were some cool vintage earrings that would hurt my ears like hell and some pretty pins. It was nice to remember her wearing some of these things and then it made me sad. My mom and I took everything. We plan on making stuff out of the beads and things that we can gift to everyone.

My mom asked me to stop at their house on my way home. She gave me some aquamarine and diamond earrings from my grandma. They are beautiful. I have nowhere to wear them. I'll be sitting around my house, laying on my couch wearing these things.

My mom made a comment as I was leaving that it made my grandpa happy to see me but he probably doesn't remember it. And I said, "He might not remember it exactly but he probably feels different. You feel different when you've been around people who love you. You don't feel so alone. Even if it's only for awhile, that warmth stays with you."

And somehow all these thoughts keep coming back to this guy. This guy who hasn't spoken to me in almost a year. It broke my damn heart. And every now and then I feel the warmth of the few times I felt like he actually cared about me. And I simultaneously smile and feel like my chest is being crushed. The last memories I have of him are so bad. And despite that, I miss him. This Christmas is going to be hard for me. I want to pretend New Year is not going to happen. My birthday is just another day that no one really cares. The whole holiday season could go up in smoke and I would probably be better for it.

Weirdly, I truly feel all this. And it hurts me that I do. Because it isn't like me at all. I normally love the holiday season. I feel myself changing and right now I don't think it's for the better and I'm not quite sure how to turn the page.