What are you looking for?
1 month ago · · Stress,
Hey. I have something interesting that's been going on.
I also have an interesting friend group. I'll come up with random names for them all so I can tell this story easier.
So... I honestly don't know where to begin-
There's really no beginning tbh.
I'll just tell you guyz about what's been going on lately.
I recently went camping with these friends.
You should probably know that there's some... romance, Ig, going on between some of these guys.
SOOO Molly likes Kayden. Idk about Kayden, nobody does, but a couple of us reckon Kayden also likes Molly. But then Heath likes Molly as well.
I don't like anyone within my group of friends. (romantically)
Recently, stupidly, we played a game of truth or dare. (I'll get to it later)
Some secrets were revealed.
Some confessions were made.
And some things became more confusing.
Now... random, but...
I love all of my friends and I always love giving and generally never expect anything in return. But ever since I met them, I've always felt like I've been forcing myself into this friend group and maybe giving too much and not getting enough in return. Now, once again, I'm the type of person who wouldn't usually expect anything in return, but I recently discovered this thing called self-love and self-respect, so I've started to, I guess, expect the things I feel I deserve. And I now notice I've never really received any of those things. For example, for my friend Molly's birthday, I gave her a few things I knew she really loved (A ring, art stuff, and a book).
(I put quite a lot of thought into these little things, and enjoy doing these things!)
And for her family's birthdays, I've done the same! (Put thought into their gifts)
For my birthday, I got a 2 dollar ring from Molly. Unwrapped, no card, and not one of my favourite things. Although at the time I was grateful and thanked her for getting me something! I got nothing from her family.
Now back to the present. We went camping, I was always approaching my friends and giving them hugs and starting conversations with them! I was enjoying myself at the time.
Now after leaving the camp, I've given stuff some deap thought and realised something.
1. I was rarely approached by them.
2. They never offered me a hug, but would hug each other.
3. Conversations with me were always started by me, never them.
I also realised that Molly is extremely toxic.
We were all partying and enjoying ourselves and dancing and singing, while Molly was sitting in the corner with a "Headache". Now, I'm certainly not jealous, but I do feel it's unfare, and cannot wrap my head around the fact that my friends would approach someone who is very clearly wanting them to give her attention and trying to get that attention in a very manilpulative, toxic way, when I'm there, and always happy to be with them, and I'm not going to sap any little bit of energy they have in them!!!
HOW COME MOLLY, THE ONE THAT IS CLEARLY MANIPULATING THEM AND SITTING THERE PRETENDING SHE HATES THE ATTENTION SHE'S GETTING FROM EVERYBODY, IS THE ONE WHO GETS ATTENTION, AND ME WHO'S THERE TO ENJOY MYSELF WITH MY FRIENDS IS THE TRULY LONELY ONE.
If you were there you would see what I mean!!
Molly always sits in corners and manages to get EVERYONE'S attention that way WHILE MAKING EVERYONE BELIEVE SHE'S LONELY!
I'm there, the truly lonely one, with open arms ready for anyone to start a conversation! To enjoy being with me and to enjoy having a conversation with me.
I need real friends. Ones that will give me things they know I love, even if it's just a genuine hug. Even if it's just a small conversation about the weather during that time. I just want to walk away from being with my friends feeling fullfilled, and not feeling like all of my energy was just sapped out of me.
Thanks to whoever read this. And that's the end of my dumb rant.