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I was sexually abused when I was 20 by a stranger on the street, and I haven’t dealt with the psychological impact of it. I told only a couple of people, I think I even told him or hinted at it. I don’t think he remembers this. I do hold it against him a little. Could this be why I am fine with it not happening in our relationship? I am too afraid to let people in. Is it me that’s broken?
Actually, I think my first time with a man was also not completely consensual - me being drunk out of my mind, him manhandling me in positions that were not comfortable and not even remembering the pain…or the pleasure. There was no pleasure. Only the cold, harsh truth of a mattress on the floor, blood on the sheets and the cold shower I took in the morning still at his place. Peach or mango-scented shower gel.
I remember the feeling of triumph walking home. Owning my walk of shame. I could tick this off my list of goals - lose virginity. Then it came crashing into my mind - I couldn’t even remember if he wore a condom. I told myself, oh well, soon enough, I’ll know.
The careless, carefree attitude is what now seems so childish and foolish. I was a child of 19, and he was a man. I am disgusted how I wore this as a badge of honour - “Yes, I am into bartenders. It’s a mutually beneficial deal”.
Then the other man was more respectful, but still, I was young, and he was double my age. I didn’t let him do anything to me. I lied and said that I was on my period. Now I regret it because he would’ve been much gentler to me.
So many missed opportunities to be treated well and to be touched. I’ve wasted my 20s. It feels like it.
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I like your writing
ReplyWhat a strange response to the subject matter. You probably get off on it.
ReplyI'm sorry someone did that to you. You're not broken and you've wasted nothing. You still have more opportunities to be treated well and touched. You can still experience special intimacy with a man you love and trust.
Reply