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31 years ago I fell in love with this guy I went to high school with. We dated for like 3 or 4 months. One day I went to his house and he was just gone. We had been together the night before. He would have been my first sexual encounter. We were interrupted by a mutual friends mom. The next day I went to tell him I was in love with him. He was sent to a foster home and I never saw him again. I never knew where he went or why. I was devastated. I tried to move on like nothing was wrong. I just couldn't do it. I left the high school we attended and all our friends. I convinced my mom to withdraw me and I never went back. From then on I just spiraled out of control. I did whatever I could not to feel what I was feeling. Drugs, drinking, promiscuous sex. Eventually I tried going back to school. That's where I met my ex-husband. He was cute, funny, sweet, and he said he loved me. I thought I loved him. He proposed, we got married, had 2 beautiful children. Eventually he talked me into swinging. I didn't want to but I finally gave in. I did whatever I could to numb what I was doing. Which lead me to drinking a lot. Fast forward 2 grown kids and almost 30 years later. I was miserable, over weight and depressed. I finally started making changes in my life. Starting with my weight. Next was my happiness. Which I was not. He changed. He wasn't the happy, funny caring man I married. We weren't having sex. Hadn't for about 5 years. Well I started losing weight and he started trying to sabotage my weight lose. Enter the man I had fallen in love with in high school. He sent me a friend request. I accepted it. We started chatting on Facebook messenger. Eventually we started talking on the phone. He asked me if I was happy. I tried lying but he wasn't buying it. He told me I said I was happy but I didn't sound like it. He could hear in my voice that something was off. He was right I was miserable. I had been for years. I told him things I had thought but never said out loud to anyone. Let alone myself. I told him how I wasn't happy. How he had shoved me years ago over a damn dog. Things here and there that I should have just packed up and left. I had planned on asking him for a divorce and I told him this. What I didn't know was that he was in love with me and had been since high school. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me and build a life together. He was sent to foster care and never got the chance to tell me. My heart shattered all over again. All those years I thought he had just took off and disappeared cause he didn't want me. Needless to say I asked my husband for a divorce. I got a car, a job. I moved out of the house we shared. I got an apartment and a job in the city the love I had lost lived in. We are now living together. I'm divorced and I love him with every fiber of my being. Yet I still can't shake the feeling I love him more than he says he loves me. That I made a huge mistake. Not getting a divorce cause that was inevitable. Just the way I went about it and some of the things that followed. There are so many things I haven't said. Like how I have never lived on my own. I did for less than a month before he moved in. I just feel like my life is one big roller coaster I can't disembark from and I have no one to blame but myself. I love my job but I'm not sure I'm happy or living the life I want to live. I don't know if it's menopause or the fact that I'm unhappy and just can't admit it to myself. I cry all the time. I'm almost 46 years old and I feel like I'm just really fucking disappointed in my life. By the way did I mention he has no job. Has quit 2 jobs and really isn't actively looking for one. I mean he puts in apps but doesn't really follow through on checking in with who he fills them out with. I'm paying all the bills and I'm in debt for about $15 -$20 grand. I've borrowed like $10 grand from my son and I'm just drowning in bills and can't even really make my rent. I make $11.00 an hour. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I feel lost and don't know what to do!!!!!!!
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No wonder you are unhappy, and you must be disappointed with this man who isn't working and letting you pay all of the bills. He is using you to get by and as long as you let him use you like this you will be miserable. So put a stop to this situation by kicking him out or moving out yourself. It is time that you live on your own so that you can get your life straightened out. Stop being weak and a pushover and find the strength to stand up for what you know to be right.
ReplyOh wow... a good man supports his wife in her endeavors and wants to see her want and successful. I have no idea why so many men just get married just to tear someone down... he's a sinking ship and in order to survive you must abandon him.
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