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I tried to ask for help. You did help. But you fought with me a lot too.
I tried to express that I was overwhelmed. He told me to focus on making money.
But I needed different advice.
That's why I never shared much with them.
They are good and did their best. And I am grateful for them.
I know I wasn't easy.
But they never seemed to really understand the things I was going through.
I tried to rest. But you blamed me for why the dog was misbehaving so I had to get up.
Now I cannot go back to sleep and I have a long day ahead.
I had to provide because nobody would take care of me.
Why should anyone. It's not anyone else's job.
But it would have been nice, even a little bit.
While I was providing she grew up so fast and I don't think I got to enjoy it.
I don't know what I'm doing here sometimes.
And maybe it will end soon.
It feels like maybe I've done what I was supposed to do.
I feel like a plant that stopped growing and is slowly withering.
I never ask for much or need anyone.
But maybe someone should water me and feed me.
And give me new soil.
I've come so far yet I am still in the same place in many ways.
Same feelings. Similar situations.
Maybe it means I've reached the limit of what I was meant to learn.
You're just upstairs but it seems so far.
The house has people but I feel alone.
I think of what I would leave behind.
She's grown so she would be alright. But I'm not sure it's time to leave her yet. She is young.
I think she may still need me.
But maybe I bring her unhappiness too.
I seem to make her nervous.
The stress seeps into every interaction.
She thinks it's her fault but it's not.
She thinks I am uninterested but I am.
I am just tired and preoccupied.
She doesn't know how much she saved my life.
Without her I would have been hopeless.
She gave me purpose.
And I am proud of her.
She is light.
Maybe she would be free from my dark cloud if I was gone.
You would be fine.
Maybe you would be happier with someone else or without me.
I don't think you ever needed me really.
You are a fighter. You never need anyone.
A lone wolf. Like me.
That's why I was drawn to you because we were the same underneath it all.
But I don't know anymore. You're not like me.
You seem against me.
Maybe it's my fault.
Because my unhappiness makes you feel you are the cause. And inadequate.
So then maybe for you too it would be better if I was gone.
I made plans so she will have money.
You too.
Maybe you could keep the house or go somewhere new.
I would be glad to leave my work behind. I never liked it.
It made me free financially. But imprisoned me in other ways.
It's the crux of my unhappiness.
It swallows me up and corners me.
But it allows me to provide and for that I am grateful.
But it owns me.
I could break free.
They would be OK. They have each other. And they have her - she is a piece of me.
The cat would be OK. She will care for the cat.
What remains are possessions which I don't care about.
But the dog needs me. I can't leave him behind.
He's just a puppy really.
He is too much work for everyone.
And requires too much patience.
Even mine wears thin.
I don't want his life to be hard or sad because I gave up.
His eyes talk to me.
I wanted him. It's my responsibility.
And God saved him that day for me.
I have to see it through to the end.
I have to give him a good life.
He does make me happy. He's a good boy.
And my friend.
The dog needs me. So I cannot go.
I won't let the feeling in for him.
If it wasn't for the dog, I might summon it. And I know it would probably come.
I wouldn't even have to do it myself.
The universe would respond.
But I am tired. And I need help.
I've been trying to ask.
It's ok. I will put it all aside.
I have to keep going.
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You know that you can keep going and also as for help. Don't see it as one or the other. Most of life we need to keep going but it doesn't mean that we don't need help and support to do so. Dogs can help you to feel less alone and I believe a great comfort and therapy. But you also need to open up to someone who is really listening to what you need and can genuinely assist in supporting your health. I feel so much love in your words. And duty and sadness. But maybe you also need some fun. Some laughter and a challenge for yourself, a change maybe. ❤️
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