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1 month ago · · mental health, · Explicit
This is me......
So I don't really do this i rarely post anything but fun memes and pictures of my kids and certainly never anything about mental health because Lets face it, its kind of a downer, but today for some reason It felt important that I share my experience with those who have the patience to read to the end because today I'm feeling the courage to be authentically me and stand in my truth.....yuck, even if it's hard and even if is uncomfortable. Please Enjoy my signature brand of humor free of charge.
Fun fact about me have obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety and depression and PTSD... because go big or go home right. I was diagnosed at 37 after a breathtaking stay in a hospital where I landed voluntarily after trying to unalive myself. Word on the street is either i got incredibly lucky or I'm a vampire, I survived a gunshot wound to the head thanks to my dear husband. I know right, crazy but I am still here. I went directly, do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars, first to a hospital where a nurse eagerly showed me my X- rays and half a bullet still lodged in my head where it current still resides under a bald spot.... not cute. Then it was off to a tiny dark cube for 2 days courtesy of Augusta university hospital, thank you Georgia, and seriously if wasnt mental before, that would have done me in. From there I was transferred to a psych facility for 3 days then off to another facility for many more. I was questioned and assessed while drowning in stress tears and utter embarrassment, and finally diagnosed with a plethora of bullshit, oh sooo much shit. In descending order according to severity it starts with the OCD, which by the way isn't just washing your hands a million times it can also manifest in the mind, which in simple terms is obsessive thoughts. Following closely behind is anxiety which pairs delightfully with the OCD, and to me feels like the worst but really its just because its visible to those around me, I pace and I appear panicked and out of control. Finally bringing up the rear by bringing me all the way down into despair, is depression which by the way is just useless and sucky, add a dollop of PTSD on top, an added bonus that comes with still more aberrant behaviors and voila you have yourself a fullblown hot mess express…....neat....except for it being awful. It only took 37 years to get it straight, the only way I can describe it to someone who doesnt struggle with mental health is its like being on the carousel from hell stuck in a loop of repeating thoughts with no way to get off and if those thoughts turn dark or frightening or intrusive like everybody's does from time to time it can be a dangerous and extremely lonely place to be. 0 out of 5 stars do not recommend, Things get so loud, everything is distracting, making you startle because your mind won't stop playing things on auto repeat over and over and over without ceasing. It's maddening. You're body is wracked with anxiety making you shake and cry. This leads very quickly to the depression part, the hiding, and the disinterest in life because you are not experiencing a chemically balanced brain. Living with all of it is frankly unbearable at times, I hate it, I resent it, but its mine now. Now of course looking back this didn't just happen overnight, ironically a certain senior English teacher who like to grade some things anonymously always wrote obsessive compulsive in the bottom corner of the last page of every anonymous essay I turned in, It seems now he was on to something, 17 years later here we are drowning in it. So there I sat, pitiful, a bandaged head and an eggplant colored shiner blossoming across my face with all my new little labels stuck to my ass feeling like a total failure because the one thing i swore i would never be was mental, despite the fact that I know that no one chooses this and I know crazy doesn't give a rats ass what you swore you wouldnt be. I am painfully aware of this because I grew up with mentally ill mom, it's sad and challenging and sometimes scary. Frankly it was a difficult life for her and our family, it was a seemingly endless march of meds and therapy until she began to feel better and of course as soon as she felt better...... she promptly stopped taking her medicine and in a fairly short amount of time we would be back to square one, catching the crazy train to god knows where. I didn't want that, there must be some mistake I didn't really want to die, not really, I just wanted to make the damned carousel stop, and now here I am with baggage. I was so overwhelmed and filled with fear. What about my husband (who had actually already known for years that I was nuts) and my kids, would they want to be around me? I mean I didn't want to be around me how could I expect them to. I had to try my absolute hardest to get better, for myself and for them. So meds, counseling, healing, self reflection patience, and time, so much time. Ive learned that getting well is not a sprint it's a marathon and now nearly two years later.....I can see i still have so far to go and so much more work to do, but with the help of my tribe I'm doing it every day. I have a lot of little brain boxes to unpack and go through and of course the carousel is still operational 24/7/365, and believe me sometimes it can suck beyond the telling of it, but I'm still here still healing and still moving forward I'm learning to be good with that.
So if I'm a fairly private person why did I share my entire experience you might ask. Well as I said before authentic me and truth and all that, but its also because talking about mental health helps remove the stigma around it. Let's face it we are all human we all have issues. if not congratulations on your ample supply of the right chemicals in you brain for which I am thoroughly jealous but also happy for u, But as for the rest of us who struggle hard, sometimes being seen, heard, felt or understood can make a huge positive difference in our battle with the loneliness and fear mental illness causes. If you are struggling reach out, its scary but being out of control is scarrier I promise. If you know someone who is struggling, let them know you're there for them and want them to get well. And lastly be kind, it goes a long way, you never really know what people are going through. The way you treat someone can change their whole perspective, like a ray
of hope they need to get through their storm. If my story helps even one person a tiny bit, my momentary discomfort at revealing myself will have been worth it. Thank you for reading, if you made it to the end and if you didn't....I don't blame you I'm not that great of a writer oh and ps take your meds