I need some f**king help!

Ever since my best friend died, I've been so stressed and overwhelmed and sad and angry. I want to cut so bad but i know it won't help anything. And i don't want to get back into that again. I've had several anxiety and panic attacks ever since. I actually had one yesterday. I've been so short tempered lately and i almost punched my ex in the face. My mind is a mess. All i want is to scream and cry, but i can't. I'm really jumpy, too. I had a panic attack the day my dad went into the hospital for a heart attack. I'm scared of losing him. I need him. I think about running away sometimes. But it's not because of him. It's because of me. When brayden hit me in the back of the head, It triggered so much fear, that it turned into so much anger. Like my social studies teacher said "Fear creates hate". I'm so fucking angry and stressed lately that it's difficult to focus. When i had my panic attack, I couldn't breathe and i was shaking so bad. I then punched the wall and it lasted another 5 minutes, A total of 35 minutes. After i was done, I realized i had relapsed and cut myself. I decided to relax and lay down and watch TV. I don't necessarily know why it happened, but i've come to realize that i need some f**king help!