Sorry, This Is What I Wanted (Abuse)

I just spent nearly three years being treated badly by an addict. Now that I’ve broken things off, I realize why I wanted to be with him so bad. The thought of actually being with one of these better prospects gives me fear. I fear that I’m not good enough to be a part of one of these nice families—because of my life. I’ve always been with abusive men who spent a lot of time tearing me down with their words or showing me this by their actions, this last man included. It started with my high school sweetheart who came home from a bar drunk and struck me telling me ‘look how you look!’ ‘Everyone is going to want to be with you when you go to the bar’ (I was one year younger), and it went on and on. I know all these things these men tell me are not true at all, but somewhere inside in my unconsciousness, these thoughts are buried in me as true. They only swell up when I’m faced with the idea of having to be someone’s great new partner, and only with people who are obviously, for the most part, healthy. I’m sorry to my former partner, for focusing on your negatives, because it’s where I feel safe, where that fear inside me is most likely never to be tapped into while we are together, where I have no reason to feel insecure. I’m so sorry. It’s not fair to you what I wanted. So now you know.