oh to fall in love.

don't think I've ever been.

I've dated. the way my heart skipped when my phone vibrated. when my lips turned in to a grin seeing his name on the screen. the first person I could talk for hours on end. first time i stayed up all night, until the sun went up at 4.30 am.

he made me happy. he made me feel insecure.

he coudln't be witty and laugh at things I found funny. he would never hold my hand in public. he didn't want to make things official after 3 months. 2 months after that the pink clouds started to slowly evaporate, and I came to my senses that I've fallen in to the agonising pit of having a crush. not being inlove.

I long for it.

love I mean.

too much I think. every handome guy that gives me just an ounce of attention I see myself marrying.

I go through the same pattern everytime. meet a guy. he's cute. he's a good listener. asks sometimes deep quiestions. I go home. can't stop thinking about him. I make up fake scenarios. I masturbate thinking about him. I don't text him, but I can't stop thinking about him. I go on a downward spiral of why possibly wouldn't like me. still can't stop thinking about him, but now it makes me sad instead of warm.

meet a guy. he's cute. he's really funny. he makes me laugh. I go home. can't stop thinking about him.

yeah you get it at this point.

but I don't dare to text them. any of them. why would they like me. too broken. too insecure. too needy. too immature.

oh to fall in love.

maybe someday.

but

probably not.