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Draft 1
“Here alive in a lost and lonely times” the opening lyrics from a rather upbeat song by the BeeGees.
It’s 5am winter 2022 a Sunday morning to be precise I’m standing smoking hand rolled tobacco drinking a warm cup of coffee from a Santa mug in my back garden as the temperature is sitting around freezing an environment most people would likely complain to be in but not me I enjoy to suffer if even so slightly.
To clear any confusion I smoke hand rolled tobacco over consumer friendly cigarettes, why.. because I can chain smoke the hand rolled tobacco much more than the chemically induced nicotine cigarette that after too many adds to the internal sickness felt purging through one’s body.
I look to the sky often I find it more attractive than my general surroundings which don’t interest me in the slightest but my “peers” are paying hand over foot to travel to luxurious locations so they can get a picture of themselves posing in front of famous structures almost as to gloat like they made the dam things themselves.
I’d much rather be living or resting after death in the stratosphere surrounded by empty vulnerable nothingness but always looking ahead to see if something magical to me would appear, having that slight knot in one’s stomach is often a comfort to someone who learns to enjoy loneliness, as I do.
Part of me wants to abandon this writing and go back to the place between the four walls in a dark place my bedroom but also my mind both of which are equally as lonely and all too real, a dark space just like the stratosphere I so willing would go to.. why?
As a person I feel like I’d cope well in prison not that I’ve ever been in one unless you count my mind which is like a prison no escape. I say this because for years the prospect of me going to prison was actually real after being accused of a crime I was later cleared off. I mentally prepared myself which I still do to this day and will do until death enters my body, maybe then I can arrive to the stratosphere above me.
When I think about going into the stratosphere I’m not in any way thinking about heaven, given the choice I’d deny heaven immediately even if it was a reality… why? Because in heaven I’d still be surrounded by the people who judged me unfairly during my lifetime.
I opened this writing the first lyrics of a song by the BeeGees my reason for doing so is on first listen to an upbeat sounding song is very parallel to how I feel about myself, see the sad dark lyrics to an upbeat song lie deep under the sea of uplifting waves of powerful music that makes many flock to the dance floor just like the gulls fly above this sea unaware of the darkness beneath these crashing waves.
More to come… first draft.
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This is just a few internal thoughts I have no idea why I shared just hope it can connect to someone out there.
ReplyI didn’t realize your words were so much but I did mean fun and not fu.
ReplyThe start and the end of your post reminded me of the time I met The Bee Gees in a city street in Sydney many years ago before they went to America.
I think chain smoking is bad for you so can you cut it down and eventually stop? It is a good idea.
Reply