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I had a thought that if my Dad died I expect it would break me in two. I feel I like need to break in two, split in half. I’ve been so lumbered with guilt and shame that something big like my dad dying would probably smash me into pieces, in a painful but ultimately beneficial way. But I want to smash into pieces and let go all my guilt and self hatred before my Dad dies… and I wondered why that might be… it’s because I want to show him that I can be happy, so he’ll know he did a good job with me, and then he’ll be happy. This thought nearly broke me in two and had me sobbing. I began to see the burden I as a child imposed on myself, to make his parents happy, to make the proud of him. This became my sole objective, to me as a child this was the ultimate happiness, if I could just make my parents happy. And there it was, all this therapy, work, counselling… and a large part of me doing it just so I can show them I can be happy and they can be proud of themselves for the job they’ve done. Even at the very root of all my spiritual, therapeutic, etc… endeavour for years and years was this yearning to demonstrate to them that I can be the happy child they wanted. My one reason for existence was to make them proud, make them satisfied with the fruits of their labour, that I could be what I thought they were wanted.
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this was hard to read i wish you don't have to chase to be happy for someone else but i understand that's easier to say than to do. sending a big hug i hope you'll get there without forcing yourself. you dont need a reason for existence, i think your existence itself is great enough for them as parents. if they could read what you wrote, it likely would break them in two as well.
sending love
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