‘Til Summer Comes Around

What a tear jerker of a song. If I have this on repeat, just walk on by. It is just me and my emotions and we would like to be left alone thank you very much. That song is on repeat as I write this. I am sitting at my desk in my office just lost in my mind. Wandering down the pain filled trails of my memories. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and hide from the world for the rest of my life. It was a slap in the face that woke me up to what my life is at the moment.

I am needing to see you so bad right now my love. But if you don’t want to see me, I wish you would tell me. You don’t have to worry about my feelings. I would rather you tell me the truth. But I think that this past evening, you gave me the truth. Even though I wanted to see you, you didn’t want to see me. But should I really be surprised? I have said for a while that I care about you a lot more than you care about me. And this just goes to prove that was true. I am not exaggerating when I say I would leave everything for you my love. But the same can’t be said about you, now can it? The really screwed up thing is that I still have this hope that you feel the exact same way about me. A hope that you basically ripped up and threw away.

I am kind of like the guy in the song. He has been hanging on, waiting for the girl he loves and lost to come back and keep her promise. And he keeps waiting and waiting, and still she doesn’t appear to him. I keep waiting and waiting for you to feel the same way I do, and to express it. The funny thing is you have said the words to me. Those words I long to hear you say. There are times when I just close my eyes and travel back to the times you have told me you loved me. And those times when I remember still affect me just like it was the first time I heard it.

And as I sit here in my office, I hear the waves of the ocean in the song. But I cringe each time they roll over me because they are just the waves of despair and loneliness. I feel like I will be riding these waves until the day I die. Or maybe, just maybe, the tsunami of depression will take over my soul and I will just not care anymore. Because there are times I would rather feel nothing than feel the pain and heartache anymore.