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I feel truly terrible, alone and sad. Right now I wish I had someone I could trust and talk to. I have someone I can talk to but I can't truly trust them. All my friends have some kind of struggles within their minds and can't function normally just like me. Right now I feel I am the worst of them though.. I hate myself and I am bad person.. There is no good person to find within me. If there was, I wouldn't be struggling so badly with talking to people or having eye contact, even everytime anyone says anything negative to me (or what I think is negative) I become angry and start acting rude or passive-aggressive towards them, I know I am hiding my true self and my childhood abuse I suffered made me afraid of everyone. I constantly doubt everyone's motives and feel paranoid. My core self is made of fear, it defines my personality. Fear is all I've ever known. For a past year I thought I was getting better because I started to feel less fear and was able to act more kindly towards others but recently I collapsed emotionally and I feel I went backwards with my process. My friend said it's normal and part of getting better. Well, I wish it's true, because it's been month now after I collapsed and I still feel the same and I don't know how long it will take to build myself back up again or if I even can.. Is this feeling I'm having right now only temporary or am I truly becoming what I am afraid of and the process I thought I made was all just a lie? Don't know if my rant made sense but I hope someone understands even a little how I'm feeling.
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ReplyWhy did you collapse emotionally? Did someone or something bring on that fear? Healing is not a straight path unfortunately and sometimes we stop, go backwards or just take a detour. You've done nothing wrong, just recognise why you may be struggling more now and any little things you can do that will help support your healing. Then do them. ❤️
ReplyI think I collapsed because of stress from work and from trying to be someone I wasn't. I kept my emotions and thoughts inside and I felt so exhausted by it in the end and my body gave up. About the fear, I have trauma from adults that have abused me emotionally or even physically when I was a child and I was also bullied, so it has made me afraid and distrusting of people around me but the fear is still controlling me, even now when nothing is happening anymore, I still act like it is.. Thank you for your comment ❤️
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