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I'm very ambitious and I crave challenges. I'm 15 and in highschool so I take the hardest (they're not really that hard) or most advanced classes I can. I've been having a hard time comprehending the things I learn in class recently. I take AP world history and I feel like the class itself shouldn't be that hard but I just can't pay attention. I got a 78 on my midterm because I was so tired I could barely read the context paragraphs. It had 110 questions. My friend also got a 78 and she said she didn't care about her grade and just wanted to pass. I cried over my grade. We are not the same. I would talk about my chemistry class too but my midterm grade for that was even more miserable so I don't even want to think about it.
Several months ago I made a post on here about my AP human geography final. I cried about that too. I got a 3/5 (which is just passing). I wanted a 4 or higher. I had gotten a 4 on the practice final so It gave me a false sense of security. At least it gave me a bit of college credit.
Everytime I think about school or my grades (or everything I haven't accomplished), I feel sick and I want to scream. These are my grades as of now.
Geometry - 98 (Surprisingly easy as I am NOT a math person. My teacher sent me a Christmas card praising me for my hard work)
Hon Chemistry - 75 (No one can hate me as much as I hate myself)
Photo-journalism - 97 (Easy)
Child Development - 99 (No 100? wtf)
Hon French 2 - 91 (Disappointed in myself because this class is easy and I should have a 95 at least)
AP world History - 87 (Also disappointed in myself. I already have a 75 in Chem so I should at least not have anymore classes under 90)
English - 91 (91 is too close to 80 and 80 is too close to failing)
Acedemic achievement is like a drug to me but it can only get me so high. I need more. I need to always be busy. I need something outside of school. I have a new found admiration for athletes. I'm jealous of the cheerleaders, gymnasts and ice skaters I see online. They get to wear pretty outfits and have people rooting for them. They get to be active and have fun regularly while also being productive (I have to be productive all the time or I'll go crazy). Ice skating looks so freeing. There's nothing I want more than to be good at ice skating. I want to take lessons but my mom doesn't want to spend that kind of money on me. We're short on money. I really really want to ice skate.
I watched videos of Kamila Valieva competing at the olympics and ever since I've wanted to be her (minus the drugs part). I'm so jealous of all the other 15 year olds who have already accomplished more than I could ever dream of. I'm so jealous I can't put it into words. Think of the most jealous you've ever been and then multiply that by 1,000. That's how I feel everyday. I REALLY want to ice skate. If I ever do start ice skating (I hope I do), I'd have to be the best. I have to be the best at everything all the time or I feel completely worthless. I would literally cut off my own arm by myself with a reinforced toothpick if it meant I could be an olympian. That's seriously not an exageration. I 100% would do that, no hesitation.
If I can't make my dreams come true and make something of myself by the time I'm out of college, I'm seriously going to kill myself. There will be no point to living if I can't live the way I want to. I feel like I'm already too old to start anything new. I have an interest in playing the violin but I can't do that because I'm not 4 yrs old. Kamila Valieva probably started ice skating straight out of the womb. If I'm going to be as good as her at anything I need to start NOW.
(I just looked it up and she started ice skating at 3 yrs old. I'm hopeless. I should just give up right now. Plus she's way prettier than me)
I was watching the news one day during the midst of the Ukrainian/Russian war and saw a segment about Ukrainian ballerinas. Naturally, I was jealous of them too. They're so graceful and pretty. They risk everything to keep dancing. Dancing is their reason to live. I want a reason to live too. I want to feel the passion that they feel.
Sometimes I watch shows like The Voice or American Idol. I can't watch them all the time though because they make me sad. I want to be like all the girls on TV who have pretty, angellic voices. I bet it's nice to be able to express yourself through singing and have people tear up from your voice. I wouldn't know.
The only time I come close to feeling like something I do could be potentially fufilling is when I do photography. I LOVE photography (but I don't think I love it as much as I would love ice skating) and in my Photo-journalism class, we use real cameras all the time. I sign out cameras to take home whenever I can. I've actually taken some really good pictures. I think photography (and music) is the only thing keeping me sane right now. Writing about it is calming me down a little.
I don't want to keep living without a purpose. I can't and I won't. I NEED to be good at something. I want ice skating to be that thing. Achieving something big is the only thing that will fill the void in me. I don't know how or to where to start. This is eating me alive.
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I get it, your craving for trying everything and learning all at the same time. But do learn that there is start and end for everything. Your academic score is way better than a lot of students. And one more thing, academic score never decides who you are. I have met people who were the best in studies but were never able to survive outside those books, didn't have the courage to work on anything else except studying. And, some people who were the worst but they are living their life to the fullest. Even if you get 78 or 100, that doesn't make to a bad or good person.
Regarding you choosing hobbies, why don't you try taking one step at a time. Why don't you try learning ice skating? it's never too late to start something new. You are too young now. At age 15, if you are going to lose hope and think your life has no value, you are wrong. You don't want to disappoint your future self by looking down on yourself. Keep faith that one day when you look back at your life, you are happy to see your growth. And i must tell you one thing, sometimes you will feel that everything is going wrong in your life, and you are not doing things right. But in the future, when you will look back everything will make sense and then you will understand it was meant to happen. So don't give up just now. You have a long way to go!!!!
I am rooting for you, try everything you want. Don't stop yourself.
ReplyGirl... You are entirely stressing over all of this waaaayyyy too much. Your grades are fine, and honestly probably better than most people. Don't expect perfection, especially in college level courses. If you want to pick up a hobby, do so. You don't NEED to take lessons to learn. Lots of things can be learned through youtube videos and reading materials (but be careful to take proper safety precautions with sports). And don't expect to be perfect at those either. It'll probably be a while before you are even good at them. Truth is you will never be the BEST at anything. There will always be people better (and people worse). Also, nobody gets everything they want directly out of college. Likely, you will be a hot mess after college (we all are). You have to be patient with yourself and the universe. Things come with time. For God's sake, your only in highschool. Other than AP classes helping you graduate college earlier, the little things like grades and extra curriculars probably will not follow you through your life and make much of a difference, if any at all.
ReplyYou really need to take it easy on yourself. As the other person said your grades are just fine. Im envious of you actually because when I took chemistry I barely made a passing grade. Sure if you have a passion for something go after it. But take things one step at a time. You won't get good at something overnight. Nor by worrying or stressing so much. But give yourself a break and try to have fun too. But putting an ultimatum on yourself saying you'll kill yourself if you don't make your dreams come true is extreme. You shouldn't do that. There's no guarantee on anything. By college end you could find yourself having other interests. Sure dream big but have a backup plan too. If you don't succeed at one thing try another. I hope you do great things but give yourself a break ok. You're doing fine. Take care :)
Reply100% agree with the previous comment. When it comes to trusting in the universe, you are perfect - exactly as you are. Nothing more, nothing less is needed.
I hope you find a peaceful space to rest your mind, as this is your birthright. Please be gentile & kind to yourself dear one✨️
ReplyYou sound awesome to me. I really like your ambitious drive and I bet you’d be an incredible musician or dancer or artist because perfectionism is what makes them great. The cool thing about the performance arts is that you are competing with yourself, so there aren’t so many negative feelings of comparing yourself to others like athletes or models might feel. I say go with dance or violin (I’m a cellist myself!) and be completely self-taught. I bet you’d do even better that way because it sounds like you drive yourself harder than any teacher would. Online videos can teach you everything these days, and you can learn at your own pace which in your case sounds pretty advanced.
ReplyIf your parents can't afford lessons for you, then you could try it "Ice Princess" style and find a rink to start teaching yourself. You seem extremely smart but I think you're focusing too much on your low grades and not enough on yourself. If you really want those grades up, then focus a little extra time on those classes. I promise, if you have anything above a 90, the number does not change your GPA. Be proud of yourself! It's not easy to get straight A's and you're almost there! I would also like to suggest you focus on your photography. Let it express the way that you're feeling when you take the picture. And show them off! Do you have a photography page?
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