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For me it is to be taken care of. I struggle with it and I feel shame about it. I spend so much time taking care of other people, but I treat myself like half a person when it comes to care. I am really hard on myself and will sometimes even shut people out because it makes me so deeply uncomfortable to share personal details. And I feel like a hypocrite for complaining when I personally reject it. But I just don’t want to be bitten for my vulnerability. I want to lay down in someone’s lap and be held. I want someone to take care of my needs and worry after me the way I do others. I want to be silly and joyous and bright without the fear of being made fun of, and I want to share that with someone I love. I’m seen as such a somber and serious person. But I know I have a brightness inside me, if I’m given the chance to express it. I just don’t feel safe giving that side of myself fully to others. I want someone to tell me they love me, and I want to believe them, and I want them to never take it back. I don’t want to feel so disposable to others and like I won’t be missed, or that there’s something inherently wrong or evil about me. I am overflowing with my love for others, and I know deep down that I’m a good person, even if there’s the part of me that was taught the opposite that gets in the way. I’m afraid of rejection is what it all boils down to. And that’s the risk of looking for acceptance, and I want acceptance so terribly. I never settle or lower my expectations, which consciously I know is the better choice to linking myself to someone I don’t like or who doesn’t like me, but god it just hurts sometimes. Maybe I just need more balanced relationships. I’m so tired of waiting for someone to care about me too.
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Very nice.
Replythis is so beautiful
you are a beautiful person
i hope you find someone who loves you and never ever takes it back
you are so beautiful
ReplyDon't worry about this now, just have a lovely Christmas.
ReplyI’ve found that caring more doesn’t draw more. If you care to the level you desire it doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated. Find someone e who meets you in the middle or puts you first to get what you desire. Everyone is special and appreciated in someone’s eyes. Love for you and happy thoughts.
Reply