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I am at a loss. I do not know what I am doing anymore. The one good thing that has come to me in these past two years is that i fell in love completely even though in the beginning he hurt me badly, he is trying his best for himself and for me for us. yet i cant help but shut him out right now because reality of losing yall both almost back to back hit me on christmas eve when i was in my room alone scrolling through facebook seeing everyone post pictures with their families. i am happy for them i really am but i cant help but feel a bit envious. this whole time i been avoiding the pain and grief bottling it up but this time i cant stop crying i showered 4x today alone threw up cause i was crying too hard i got myself extremely drunk to the point i passed out i havent been to yalls grave in months cause the holidays are the hardest especially when one is alone and i refuse to let people see me cry cause then they will see how weak i am on the inside and i worked hard to build up the reputation i made for myself all these years. i mean like im 23 left with a 17 yr old senior who is about to graduate high school im barely getting my shit together and taking care of a 17 who also lost both parents before his senior is not easy all i do is work to make sure all he focuses on is school he is ranked #7 in his class right now and i dont want anything to get in the way of that, so i been acting like everything is fine when in reality its not. im trying so damn hard but i just want to give up im tired.
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