I feel as if I constantly fail as a nephew and as a younger brother.

As a kid me and and my two older brothers we lived with our mother and eventually had to leave her and stay with our aunt. So me being a 6-7 year old child I didn’t understand or want to understand. All I knew was that I couldn’t see my mother for a very long time and it wouldn’t be until I was 18 that’s I’d see my mother again. So while growing up I would lash out, as well our dad was out the picture so my oldest brother had to watch out for me and my other brother. He is mentally disabled and blind, (this will be important later). So as I grew going through early schooling and middle school. I used video games and music as a way to escape my own life. My aunt she had high expectations for me, that I didn’t want. She forced me to go to summer school almost every summer with the expectations I’d eventually graduate early (which I didn’t do). So not having many friends out of school I turned to my brother who at this point was in high school as well and me starting middle school, started I mellowing out at this time. So I would occasionally try to hang out with him to bond as brothers and every time, I’d be pushed aside or told “soon” just for hours to turn to days into weeks into a year and at some point I just stopped caring. I started high school while my oldest brother graduated and now he wanted to play ‘big brother’ and I just didn’t care for any of that. I had found friends I would spend time with out of school so I didn’t need a friend in my brother. He would eventually move out, and it was just me and other older brother. We would take care of him, feeding him, clothing him, showering him, my aunt loves my brother. Showers him with kisses, hugs, showing him all sorts of affection. Part of me was jealous while my brother was getting constant love and affection. I got nothing but high expectations and looks of disappointment when I didn’t reach some goal she wanted me to reach. I would rationalize in my head if I do all this to meet this expectations maybe she’d show me some of that love she would give my brother. But all it got was more expectations. As I constantly failed and under performed her expectations slowly faded to be replaced by bitterness and secret disgust. She would often brush aside my attempts to talk to her about her expectations and how these things were affecting me. It was around this time I had a girlfriend and life looked brighter. She was going through a rough home life as well and we both found solace in each other’s warmth when our families shoved us to the side. She was my light, she had a smile that would light up any room. She was kind, she cared. She didn’t make me feel like a failure. She didn’t have some expectation for me, she didn’t judge me, she didn’t look at me with disgust and contempt. She had such beautiful brown eyes that would glow like a river of golden honey in a sunset. She was the most beautiful woman I would ever see. She hated her own body. She suffered from a deep depression, We would often be on video call till morning came. She hated me seeing her when she just woke up but in my eyes there was no purer sight than her natural beauty. She would constantly attempt suicide, she would cut herself. She wouldn’t tell me as to not worry me. But I worried, I worried every day, thinking who knows if one days she’d never wake up. It affects me to this day, we were each other’s pillar of strength and the thought of being unable to help her was a debilitating feeling to me. Her depression would take her soon after graduation. I had no one to go to, my friends had more than enough on their plates, one brother up and left and never tried to keep in contact not without me trying to reach out anyway. The other is unable to have a conversation. So I at 17 mistakenly turned to my aunt and I told her I was depressed and she told me “You are not depressed you have no reason to be depressed” and I just stared at her. I was at hurt beyond belief, everything I did all the times I would lose sleep, every time I’d go without food to meet her expectations. All for her approval, every thing I did for her and she didn’t care. I eventually graduated with my friends instead of graduating early. I had my own dreams to join the military and she didn’t like it. She would tell of all these things she had planned for me. Jobs I’d have instead of the military. So I let her coax me out of joining all for nothing. There was no job all the promises were lies. I was 18 when I was joining and I’m 20 now with no real direction of what I want to do, now my aunt tells anyone who’d listen that I’m just some lazy bum who still living with thing. Now I’ve been staying at home with my older brother who’s 22 at this point I’d writing this. This comes to another point, I don’t like my brother. I just really hate my brother, maybe it because he represents everything I’m not or everything I didn’t receive growing up. All those times I’d see him receive love with no outward response no underlying condition for that love, no snide comments behind his back to other people. Everytime I look at him I’m reminded of all the goals I had to reach for nothing. I hate him, I hate both of my brothers. One abandoned me and the other reminds me of my failures. I see my friend living their lives, enjoying themselves. Here I am writing this in my room another one of my failures. I’m happy for him, seeing his happiness makes me happy. I hate my life, I’ve attempted suicide 5 times in this year alone well last year I should say. Here I am again with another bottle of pills trying again. I can’t take this, I can’t. I hate how my life turned out. I hate myself, I hate being alone with my own thoughts. I see no future for my self. I don’t wish for a better future anymore. I just wish this pain would end now. If I don’t wake up tomorrow Whoever reads this, learn from my mistakes. Don’t do what I did and let people get into your head. Do what will make you happy even if you make everyone mad, angry, disappointed. Live your life. Live