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i really really want to die right now.
i cant stop crying and i cant bring myself to ask for help and i cant be a good person, not to my parents at least, and im fucking myself over for the future. how do i explain to my parents that im failing all my classes right now because i didnt plan this far? i was never supposed to get here. i have no clue what to do with myself and my life. and i just dont fucking care about school. i dont care about anything. i dont care about archery, which until recently was my absolute favorite thing in the world. i dont care about making art, i only do it for my classes at this point. i dont care about passing or graduating or getting into college. i dont care about eating, in fact i actively dont eat. id rather do anything else. i dont care about sleeping. i dont care how my body suffers. i dont care about going out. i dont care about getting out of bed. the only thing i care about is my job and thats just cause its the one last thing im still good at and because i have a really great manager that i love to see thats a mentor figure for me. but that might get taken away from me. my parents are threatening to make me call in for work or even straight up quit if i dont get my grades up. work is the only thing that gets me out of the houses aside from school. if it were up to me, i would never leave my room, or even my bed. im so tired. i dont have energy for anything. my manager sent me home early during my last shift because he could tell something was off with me. i just feel so empty all the time. im so tired of feeling this way. its all i can remember since i was 11 years old. this cycle of highs and really low lows. the addiction to self harm. the not having energy for anything. the being a bad friend and sister and daughter and student. its all ive ever known.
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There's this book that I brought on a whim, it was really popular sometime ago, and then they adapted it into a thirty minute animated film, its beautiful, and one of the characters is voiced by Idris Elba, which doesn't hurt. It's called The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse. There's this line by the Fox, he says,
"Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. It can tell you you're no good, that it's all hopeless. But remember this; you are loved and important and you bring to this world things no one else can. So hold on."
I try to believe it and it helps, sometimes.
I think you already know you should get help, and that there is nothing bad about that, but I also know that it can be really scary to say, help. Or maybe I am assuming wrong and there are a whole multitude of other reasons, maybe you are already receiving help, or maybe circumstances have made you afraid, disappointed or unable to receive it. So the best a stranger like me can do is say, hold on,
so please, hold on
Replyyou are supported and I wish i could give you a hug to maybe ease any other pain that you might be feeling. I hope you know that you have a reason to be alive, everyone does, try to remember those who love you when you think of things like I dont want to be here anymore or i really want to die. Try to imagine you in a couple of years and what life you want to live.
ReplyYou're not a bad friend, sister, daughter etc I'm sorry you feel that because of your struggles you're bad in those ways.
Explain to your parents some of how you feel and explain that you've found yourself not caring about most things in life and you need support and professional guidance not threats to remove the 1 thing that you still do care about and is good for your mental health. Explain to them that taking that from you will just make you fall further into a dark hole and then it will be partly on them.
Regarding school, it's ok i swear to you. You don't have to get great grades, you don't even have to do it. I struggled at the beginning of my final year. I took a year off and just worked. The next year i returned (another school tho that was better suited to me) and I actually enjoyed the year and passed etc. Sometimes some of us just need a break.
Write down a list of tasks related to school and then highlight the priorities and how you can get closer to your goal. The list will feel overwhelming at first but just do it and then decide what you can and can't do. You may find that not everything is achievable and that's ok.
Be kind to yourself because you truly deserve it, you really do.❤️
ReplyA couple of things have helped my mental health. They might sound too simple, but the have helped me. No more social media. I got off that stuff, and feel much better. Less sugar. No more energy drinks. Go for walks in nature when I feel crummy. This is simple stuff, but I am surprised by how much better I function. I'm not perfect, but am getting better. You deserve to be alive, and you are valuable. Remember that. God didn't create you for you to throw it all away.
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