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i find myself wishing to speak your name with hatred. i want to hate you. i want to speak your name as a curse. in fact, i don't want to speak your name at all. that's just how lowly i would like to think of you. yet, i can never bring myself to actually do these things. largely do to the fact you're the only person i've ever loved.
once someone said to me that these feelings never "go away", only subdued until you find another person who overtakes you. yet, i don't find myself wanting that. i want to hate you so badly. i never want you to cross my mind because i am sick and tired of seeing you in my everyday life. it's as if you are taunting me, saying i'll never truly escape your grasp. maybe because i know it'd be easier that way, easier to let your name burn to ash, to fizzle from my consciousness. hell, easier to wipe you from my memory entirely. to wrinkle my brows unbeknownst to me when someone speaks your name. why can't you leave my mind? it feels so rhetorical to even try. it's as if i'm attempting to run from my shadow. can others see me, flocking with friends, laughing at me, knowing there is no use? it is so futile. is ash really just dust?
i am an observer, simply my nature, ciphered into my brain. sometimes i fear my quietness can be mistaken for boringness; unaware of the life i live. but it's the complete opposite. i am constantly analyzing people, the small frivolous things no one has trained themselves to see. the way seemingly "energetic" people pull their shirts, trying to expand the fabric, fearing that their body actually has dimension. the way people seem to nitpick; staring just a little too long in the mirror, fearing the person they carry around day to day. or the way people seem to shape-shift into different people when they're around others. i seem to notice things out of the corners of my eyes, my peripheral vision just as clear as my central vision. i used to hate this. i was scared that people would look at me and see someone unworthy of talking to. although as i get older and wrinkles show their time on my face, i have learned that if you're constantly trying to be someone you're not, you'll find that you're unhappy.
unhappy that you can't seem to talk to people without feeling the constant need to entertain. unhappy that your life lacks forward momentum. unhappy that you can never seem to enjoy the comfortable silence that floats in the air. but one day i stopped. i stopped trying to please people. i let my voice hush, my eyes dissected people, let them read the pages between the lines and i found that once i did this, the people who were attracted to me were real and they knew this was simply who i was. someone quiet, yet constantly listening. comfortable enough to enjoy the silence.
you're an incessant ringing that hums in the back of my mind, you imbue yourself into my psyche like a disease. your replies have begun to shrug, and you no longer bother to type full sentences. these small gestures represent our love, slowly dwindling. the match you once ignited in me, the flame has begun to fizzle out. the pitter-patter of the rain has finally taken its toll on me.
yet still, you have such a magnitude over me, a faded imprint of your face comes with everything i see. i do not know if i am prepared to part with you. i am unsure if i have asked you enough questions. if i have gotten to know exactly who you are? i feel as if i have only gotten to know a fraction of you and the rest has floated away with your existence. how does one cope with love that seems unrepeated? i am living in a distorted and trained unrequited love. and i am aware. i know it's bad for me. yet still, i am not ready to say goodbye, can't i just hold on a little bit longer?
i have made my peace with simplicity. i welcome the chilling breeze into my room on cold nights. i wake up early to watch the sun star from her deep slumber. i venture to walk into the slow and calming afternoons and gaze at the beauty that surrounds me in this multifaceted world. i wander in the deep and alluring widows filled to the brim with an abundance of different flowers and species that find their substance in this small and quiet corner of the world. i feel the sun guide and accompany me on this journey. i watch the big and small animals that are so innocent and unsuspecting of the many evils that fill this world. i sit by the docks and skip stones, filled with glee when they wander far into the heart of the lake. i meditate at night as i watch the fireflies buzz heedlessly, illuminating this distrusting world. it is small things such as these that make me feel less alone as i navigate this world.
i have a lot of regrets in my life, but i never regret what comes after. these small increments of wisdom that gravitate towards my name. i am at the crossroads, choosing the paths opened, no longer looking back at the ones i closed, and my mind at peace knowing that these paths intertwine and loop around. and one day, maybe when i'm old, or young, i'll allow myself to relive these paths, touring others around my journey. and i yearn for this day. the day when i can look back on my life and forgive others who have left their mark on me and i am grateful. grateful that i am this person, and i give thanks to the people i've met, whose legacy now lives in this body.
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