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So recently I was going through some papers that my family just has looking for my dads death certificate. I didn't find it but I found something else.. I found letters he wrote to my mother when he was incarcerated. He died when I was young so I only have one memory of him and honestly is slowly fading away. Anyways I found a lot of them, that he wrote to her and that she wrote to him. Some that never got sent and he just talked about how much he missed us. At one point they were in prison together, still communicating somehow. But there was just one part in this one letter where he said that he would write me a letter and it was the only one I couldn't find. I just idk, I started to shake. It was his handwriting. I know its stupid but I saw his handwriting and that just hit me idk. He's been dead almost my whole life but I think it really hit me in that moment ill never know him. I think I keep this image of him in my mind that unrealistic. Like the only memory of him I have is him asking me if I need help with my math homework and I said yes so he helped and then made me corndogs and in the middle of helping me mom came in the front door and they started to fight and I was forgotten about. I did remember his face, and his voice and his smell even. I don't remember any of that now, just a sense of him ig. I just hated him for longest time because he left me with the shittiest mom ever. I dont want people to feel bad for me because im almost 18 and only have like some trauma idk. Idk I haven't told anyone about the letters because for me, it's like having a piece of him still. I wish he was here. I miss someone that I dont even know.. How does that work?
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Because he still is and always will be your dad you are forever connected to him.
Reply*cry with you*
it is ok to hold on to him
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