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Feeling lonely is so hard. I just wish so badly that I could be like all those people I see around... The people that seem to have lots of friends and can easily socialise.
For me, it is really hard to talk to people. Like even those who I know. I'm a very quiet and shy person. At school I don't have any close friends. I am always the one that is left behind. I try do hard to speak up and to be a bit more social but it's so hard.
Many people have told me that everyone would just like me better if I talked more or if I acted differently. But when I have tried talking more and being a bit more outgoing, people don't listen to me and disregard anything I say. It's really confusing. So, I feel really insecure about myself now. No one really likes me that much. Just because I don't exactly fit in or I am not a particular way. It shouldn't be right for other people to decide on how I should be. Its like they want to use me or control me or take advantage.
I would say I'm really nice and I'm good at listening. Maybe people take advantage of me because I'm a little bit of a people pleaser. I'm only wanting to please people sometimes though because I simply am wishing for a good friendship with people. I want to make people happy. But lately I'm not happy.
At school I have found I don't enjoy the break times. I don't enjoy lunch time where everyone immediately goes to their group of friends. I don't know who to go to. I don't feel welcome. I feel like nobody wants me around. I'm never asked to stay but at the same time I'm not usually asked to leave. So I'm just dispensable. I am not cared about at all. I wonder if people at my school would care at all if I were not there. When I am sick one day and miss a day of school, I come back the next day. No one asks where I have been or if I'm ok. Its unfair. I have cared for others but I don't receive the same treatment.
And my anxiety doesn't help with all of my overthinking about all of this...
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I know it is hard when you see others with friends while you are alone. But you can see school as a place of learning for you and not a social club. It is no good to feel sorry for yourself so cheer up and realize that there are the popular and the unpopular and you just happen to be one of the unpopular. Maybe later on you will make a good friend you never know.
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