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I just received good news from my work, but the misery of getting betrayed by the person who I thought loved me and who I deeply loved prevented me to see the world in a way that would allow me to feel good. But I don't think I crave anything good anymore, I don't want to seek safety and happiness, this world is a tragedy in itself and I think there's a strong reason why the fundamental religious narrative in the west is a person who was crossed terribly and not a happy bastard. I want to do something meaningful in spite of tragedy. You know what's really fucked up is that she told me she loved me after having a dude inside her the night before, she manipulated me for my resource using that cute depressing face, for 6 months with 4 or 5 different guys. And I'll tell you what's funnier, I'm still sourcing her financially so that she doesn't fall into poverty, but mainly because I care about her younger sister more and I don't want that kid to lose stability. I've transcended my ass to see this situation less personal, and she doesn't even fucking care, and I don't want her to care that's okay. You know I really wonder what it's like to be deeply loved like how I would love someone I claim to love. Would that be my fate, God? that's okay if it won't, you (the ultimate nature of reality or whatever the hell you are) didn't even bother with anything else that is more important so I won't be naive about this whole thing. But if I could say anything, thank you for teaching me a lesson though it was a very murderous lesson and I almost killed myself, still, it's a good lesson. I've learned patience, I've learned courage, I've learned masculinity, I've learned myself and I've found the exact strength that I never thought I'd have^^. My dream is still the same though, I want to go to the end front line in regards to trying to understand what the fuck is wrong with the world, I want to study a lot and see if I can make something out of it. I want to find a way to encourage people, I want to understand how to help people confront their suffering and bear their cross nobly against the abyss. I believe only that way I can feel alive, also if you want to patch me with another girl in the future please make it less diabolical than my ex — all this quasi-nonsense being said; AMEN, you silly omnipotent ;)
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