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Everyday I wake up, I look into mirror and cry. It’s been almost 6 years since I was actually happy with myself. I did have some good days but usually I just sleep at home and do nothing. I tried to push myself many times- I was doing good for a while but something keeps coming up. Once I get rid of one insecurity there’s another. I can’t feel pretty. I have no reason to feel that way- since little I was always called pretty or cute. The older I get (I’m 19 almost 20) the sadder I become. I’ve never had a relationship or first kiss. As I’ve said people called me pretty but only few boys liked me and since I have trouble with my self esteem I was scared they won’t like me when I take my clothes off- I have hirsutism(trying to get rid of it, it’s hard when you don’t have money), scoliosis, flat chest, hip dips, you name it.. The only good aspect of mine is that I’m skinny-which I extremely hate and would love to be curvy like a woman should. My face is pretty only with makeup. I’m ugly thats what people don’t see.
My best friend told me he’s in love with me. I told him about my self esteem (only that I have trouble loving myself, nothing too specific). He said he understands and still would take a chance- he wants to try to date me. I don’t know how to feel. I like him, but I don’t feel pretty for him- since he works out and is very handsome- has had many girlfriends too. I’m scared he won’t like my body or bare face. What would I do if I lost my best friend I trust with everything. Recently I had a fight with my other best friend and he told me he hates me- he always said he loves me, one day he just said this and never contacted me again- I even tried visiting his house because I still don’t understand why he won’t talk to me. I’ve been abandoned too many times and I’m scared to lose people I trust. I hate my family, don’t speak to them if I don’t need to. I question myself often- why me? Why can’t I be like other girls-pretty,feminine, happy?
Thank you for reading.
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