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Loneliness as the Only Companion
2 days ago · · Loneliness, · Explicit
There are days where loneliness is stronger than any other day. When the realization that you are truly alone builds and crushes down on your soul. It comes around a week and a half after you leave companionship, I find. It's a gradual build: suddenly, your motivation drops, you slow your eating, you keep sleeping. Being lucid when others are together is harder than being awake while the world sleeps.
I wish I could save myself from this. I wish I could be the companion I need—but I simply cannot. Every human needs companionship, they cannot survive without it. And my current system? Drawing forth interaction from the small glimpses of life I have with others in class? Horrid.
In a way, I know this is my fault. I devoted time to getting close (“close”) to people I never should have wasted time on. If I only tried to make new friends last year, or—hell—even last month, I would be better off. But in the end, I failed. I was so anxious and tired I never even tried. I refuse to blame myself entirely; while I could have done more, I was so scared and used to being alone at that point. In a way, there are too many factors to truly understand how or why it happened, and I can only wish I did this or that or maybe all of it differently.
All I can do now is strive to care for myself the best I can. Set alarms, not allow myself to slip into bad habits. I need to eat, I need to remember what it is to be human. I can’t believe I would say it—in fact, this is the point I started crying—but I miss being a teenager. I was never alone then. I always swore it would “get better” but holy shit it got fucking worse.
To that teenage me: I am sorry I failed you. I am so sorry. I know parts of you are still within me and mourning what we could have had, and I am so sorry I failed. Perhaps this writing is not a way to express my thoughts, but a goodbye for you. I have to let go of those dreams if I am going to continue to survive until some change can come about. I am so sorry I never got you what you wanted, but I have to let go now. I need to be able to hold my head high and be more confident than I ever was before. I am all that I have left—it’s time I act like it.
Can I say tomorrow will be better? Less lonely? Easier to breathe? No, I simply cannot. Every day has its own challenges, and every day has its triumphs. All I do know is tomorrow is a day to try again. And then the next; and then the next. Each day is a new start and I will always aim to take advantage of that. The grandest goal I have still yet to achieve is to love myself again. I once did, but I lost it when I realized I never truly had anyone. I felt a failure, less than because I was alone. But in the end, it was never my fault. I see that now that the anger and jealousy no longer clouds my vision.
I will be okay, and I am never truly alone. As long as I draw air into my lungs, I still have life in me left to live—and I will never forget that.