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I don't meen needy and I demand a lot of material things from people that I am in relationship with. It is that I am anxious and have problems with self confidence - so I am trying to keep up my end of the relationship, and anxious that the other person may be unhappy with me.
It has killed my marriage, and time will tell if we are able to resurrect that. But I see it in my relationship with my kids, as I try and maintain and strengthen that. I don't seem to have the confidence to say "I've done the right thing and maintained my part of the relationship, the rest if up to you".
Now, I have some justification for being worried about my ability to maintain relationships. I've been guilty of going awol, being emotionally absent and completely non-epithetic. But I still feel anxious even when I am showing up, even worse, it is the things I am doing - do I have the sort of food they like to ear for lunch. Are they going to feel like pasta for diner, or would chicken be better. Not am I present for them, do they feel safe talking to me. The important things.
At least I am aware of it - but like the "don't think about pink elephants" being aware I do something wrong can just increase anxiety.
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I recently made a post here. It's about how I am and suggests a way of coping with challenges. I'm at a better place now than I was and it is because of how I think about things. Some back and forth stuff with me here might be helpful. I'm available for a few minutes every day. My post follows.
I have a very useful and evolving understanding about life. The specifics about my situation are not that special but are moving in the right direction. I am quite OK with how things are right now and feel better about this than most do about their circumstances even though my wealth, possessions, and health are not exceptional. You may have heard the saying ‘the more things change, the more they stay the same’. It is sort of like that for me. As my experiences add up, things are becoming easier rather than more difficult.
Experiencing is all that is happening here and now in all of our lives. It shows up in the form of sensations, perceptions, and thoughts. We are all the same in this regard. We differ, of course, in what we’ve been through and in our varying points of views. These are mine.
I realize and accept how little control I have over what happens next. I know that most of us are doing the best we can to cope and adjust. I am tolerant and forgiving of myself and others as encounters are dealt with. It feels good to be optimistic and I don’t worry because it is a waste of time. I handle my obligations (shop, cook, eat, clean, drive, talk with others, plan now to do these things later) and give these efforts the attention they deserve. I play hard and laugh a lot. Surprises, opportunities, and warnings offered to everyone are the blessings I intend to notice and appreciate. When time and circumstances allow, I’ll review past memories or anticipate future possibilities if they are consistent with my ‘good life’ perspective. These mental excursions are limited so that I don’t miss that which is in front of me. It might be the very miracle I need right now. After all, life is happening only in this moment, not yesterday or next week.
I often talk and write about the nature of negative thoughts like sadness, guilt, failure, hate, jealousy, anxiety, fear, regret, loneliness, and grief to stay well-grounded and to help lessen these burdens for others. This is what I do.
ReplyByild your confidence and work on managing your anxiety. And be honest about it with family if you can.
ReplyIt is hard with children - you don't want them feeling that they have to take responsibility for my feelings so I only talk in general terms, not specifics like "I was anxious when you .."
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