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I just realised that I hate my stepfather- after 5 years (vent)
1 year ago · 1 · Getting things off my ch..., +9 · Explicit
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I say stepfather because I can't be bothered to think of a name for him- but at the same time I refuse to acknowledge that he's part if my family, and legally he's not. I thought that this was just me not trusting a man so soon after my mother had left my father, and that I would get over this and start to trust him. When this feeling of strong dislike didn't go away after a year, I figured it was because of how I found out he was dating my mum- I caught them having sex in a tent on a camping trip (SECOND TIME WE EVEN SAW HIM- I was THIRTEEN! I knew what sex was ofc and I knew what they were doing, which it why it confused me so much). I really didn't like the fact that as soon as he started coming over he tried to take over as 'the man of the house', I barely knew him. But, I had my own problems to deal with then, I was just starting highschool and that was when I was starting to question my gender (he/they rn), so I sucked it up at let things run their course, just figured that if nobody, including me, my sister and ALL of my mothers friends didn't seem to like him, my mum would see it too. Obviously, because I'm writing about him years later, that wasn't what happened. As the years went on, I just got more frustrated. Not towards him, but myself for not knowing why I didn't like him. Because of how quickly he came into my life? Or how he spoke down to me like his child? Maybe it's due to me not being emotionally mature enough for him. Every little thing about him irritated me. Whether it was because he always told the same jokes everytime he came over, or because when whenever I left the room he whispered to my mum and snickered, but I couldn't be certain they were talking about me so I shouldn't be mad, right? I think what annoyed me the most (and still does) is that he makes my mum *so* happy, treats her right, loves her... so... why can't I see how much of a good guy he is? That's what I thought until November 2022. The month before (October 5th), my biological father lossed to cancer just months after being diagnosed. Even though I haven't seen or spoken to him since I was twelve, it left a pit in my stomach, I still have a lot of regrets, my biggest one being not coming out to him. I know deep inside that he wouldn't be supportive of me being bi or trans but, it would've given me closure. In the months I was scared he was going to die, I didn't even text him, or say that I loved him while I could. When my stepdad came over, I was still a bit on edge from all of it. I don't really remember how it happened, but my bio dad came up over dinner, and I kid you not, this excuse of a man who claims to have some sort of power over me said, "Oh, you shouldn't be sad about him, he didn't care about any of you. He wasn't that good and it's not like he didn't deserve it." ... what the fuck? That's all I could think at the moment. Did you... actually just tell tell me the my father deserved to die? I was in complete shock. It took a minute to even process what he said. I was at my limit, but I have enough sense not to yell at him at the table, so I just responded "you shouldn't say that about him- you *can't* say those things about him.." and he just kept talking shit about my dead father as if his two children weren't right there. I started crying and looked at my mum with some hope that she was on my side in some form? No... no, they were separated for a reason even when I was crying, he just told me to "Stop being so emotional, your dad was a horrible person." And I haven't tried to like him since. What's worse- my entire family is making me feel guilty for it, yes, including my sister who 'got over our father when he was diagnosed'. It's so fucking isolating that I'm the only person in my family that feels like this. Am I really in the wrong here? I tried SO hard to like my stepfather and accepted that I couldn't after that, after 5 years I finally gave up. My blood boils whenever he's even in the house (he does commission fly in/fly out, occasionally for months). I dont think I've even hated someone this much before... or more accurately, I've never hated someone at all before. There's been people I've strongly disliked and people that annoy me, but nobody has ever put me in a bad mood by simply existing in my presence, or irritated me by thinking about them. But i know that I'll be fine. I'm entering my last year of highschool and am already accepted by multiple universities for after. I can endure it until then. This is just something I can never talk about because nobody I know agrees with me. Something I really need to get off my chest. And now that I have... I feel a ton of weight being lifted off of my shoulders, like I can finally calm down after all the pressure building up over 5 years. Not all of it, because there's a lot, but I can breathe a little more easily. I'm not going to blame myself for things he says and does, I'm not going to blame myself for holding such a justified grudge, and I'm not going to blame myself for this hatred. I have a feeling that this was intuition, that I knew from the start that he was going to hurt me, but I'll try not to let it bother me anymore, or at least, a little less, in baby steps, until I can finally move on with my life. I'll let it make me stronger, maybe hating someone is what every person has to go through, you know? And that fine, because these are my feelings, and mine alone.
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I hope that you let go of the hate because you are the only one who is affected by it.
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