Caught up with being human in a relationship

Thoughts

Am I acting out of fear, I am reacting appropriately? What is appropriate, does appropriateness exist? I know I am sick of spending time with men who do not want the same things as me? Am I real in what I want? Do I go after what I want or do I just let things happen to me? What is the difference? I am living my life in what feels like the best way possible. I am human but am I using that as an excuse? An excuse to be taken advantage of? Am I being taken advantage of or am I lacking gratitude for what is? Do I live a cushy life when compared to others and how much weight do I put into that sentiment? Do I let my own fears get in the way? I am an independent woman who wants to love and have a family. It feels like it is not in the cards for me. I am not invested in my current relationship or I wouldn’t want to leave at the least twice a month. If is important to pay attention to the patterns. Break the pattern. How can I be a therapist to others when my own life is such a fucking mess?! I feel like my life has passed me by and I am no longer a participant, but I am. I am choosing to stay in a situation that constantly upsets me. Am I easy to upset? Are my expectations too much, am I unreasonable. I feel like I am simple but am I? Am I a high maintenance bitch who expects too much? Is life just never meant to be easy following childhood? Am I wrong to worry about my financial situation when it is getting worse by the day or am I supposed to have blind faith that it will get better? I am no fool. When I look at the benefits of my relationship ( is that a selfish materialistic thought) I have a great guy with a big heart who tries to do everything for everyone yet when it comes to his affection and showing me he cares it’s not there. Not that he doesn’t try, he provides acts of service but is this me or about him? Why do I question do many things? I am sick of being lied to, let down, and not being able to meet my goals… is it me or me with him. It’s ok if we’re not on the same page but i can’t stay here. I want a normal life even though I’ve never believed in normal, I have. Im a mess. I am human and wonderfully me while at the same time feeling so wrong. I hate and love alcohol at the same time. Am I to blame? Im psycho and 100% logical. Im a mess