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I was betrayed after a series of manipulations, but somehow there's a strong non-consensual tendency inside me to ignore that tragedy, to look at the good things we had and project a beautiful fantasy out of that; this tendency feels unconscious and I really can't deactivate it, probably because I've always been doing this every day when I was struggling with our relationship. It's pretty uncanny and horror to think about, let me portray it this way;
Imagine you're creating a garden with someone who claims to love you, someone who you deeply love. So both of you are on the trajectory to create Eden on earth. Say you guys have spent 5 years and now you can see the flowers blooming everywhere along with some of the ripped ones. You spend every day staring at the living flowers as your motivation to work even harder, and the dream of Eden has become very vivid in your mind. One day you wake up severely wounded with a knife on your back, and you found out this person stabbed you when you were sleeping and she justified the act. She sees you bleeding and screaming but she has reason to neglect that, you tell her reasons why you don't deserve this suffering but she's in a whole different philosophy, and then she left. Now there you are, a stupid son of a fuck sitting in the middle of the garden. You spend days sitting in the same spot seeing the flowers dying because it's just so painful to water them. And thoughts start to appear in your mind, but it's not anger or revenge, but the fantasy to water the flowers with her again. You find yourself in love again paradoxically, and the situation becomes a fight between you and yourself; either to follow the desire to rot in this abandoned garden as an act to serve the symbol of love, or to do the obligation as a human being to stand up and leave the garden.
I can't leave the garden yet, I wish I can. I still can't grasp the idea of betrayal, how could someone really do that? I don't understand and it's still hurting me. If you can read this, I just want you to know how cruel everything is that my unconscious self is still in love with you, still want to fight for you, to make you smile, and make sure you're safe. I wish we never met, but I also wish you never betrayed me. Fucking hell.
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