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I love you
1 year ago · 2 · Explicit
76
But I hate our life together. I really hate it. I love you and I love our kids and I’m glad they are ours. It’s not like I want to run off into the sunset with another guy but I can’t help but to feel an all encompassing void when I think of where we are at and where we are going. There are so many things I could find endearing about you but the only one that involves me is that you play with my hair and will fix my coffee if I ask. I feel as if I am married to a robot with no opinions, no dreams, no ambition, no passion. And I hate myself for thinking these things because you’ve always been this way. I knew you weren’t a hopeless romantic when I met you, no matter how hard you tried to convince me otherwise. You’d tell stories that I just knew deep down weren’t true. I’ve always kept it real with you. I am who I am and have always been this way. I want more. I can’t romanticize this complacency. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to summon stars in my eyes and write poetry about the way the back of your head looks when you are playing video games or convince myself this humble life of who cooks dinner tonight is just the life I wanted but it’s not. It wasn’t a phase. I’ve always wanted to stay up late at night and exchange ideas and theories of the world. I’ve always wanted a partner to help me psychoanalyze the neighbors or read books with or go on some spontaneous excursion with. Some people don’t grow out of that because it is who they are. And if you were more kind to me and helpful and showed me love in other ways, maybe I could silence this brewing rebellion in my heart but you are boring, miserable, and apathetic about everything in life and it is poisoning me. Everything you say and do alludes to the fact that you tolerate me and that you stay out of duty. I hate this life with you. We are never in sync. It’s some running competition with you. If I’m doing well, you sabotage it almost as if you’re jealous of my success. And then when you finally succeed because I’m just so fucking tired of it all, you try to “motivate” me to do better, like you. Just be like you. I’m not like you. I’m nothing like you. I’ll never be like you. I hear you slamming shit around in the kitchen because I dared to speak a fraction of my mind and poor you, you’re just so unsure as to how to help me move forward, as if you’re some martyr. I don’t need you, I don’t need your help, I’ve asked you many times to leave if you’re not happy but you stay out of a sense of duty but your mission involves leaving me constantly miserable, constantly doubting myself, losing my sanity, and becoming just like you. Old, miserable, and jaded. I always wanted you but I never wanted this. I want out.
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Think of your children and give marriage counselling a go before you leave.
ReplyWe did. Several times.
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