What are you looking for?
Another Rainy Night
1 year ago · · Emotional Pain,
This is yet another deep song to feed my depression. A song that describes perfectly how it feels living a life without you my immortal beloved. I do not know another song that tears me up as much as this one does. Behind the blue eyes of my sight is a constant storm of loneliness. A continuous outpouring of the dark thoughts of missing my one true love. I am getting quite accomplished at wearing my mask of happiness while behind it all is the full dark sky of depression.
The worst part is the constant barrage of my own negativity. The thoughts of who you’ve been loving lately. The whispers of she doesn’t love you nor care about you. The screams of you are just an annoyance. The laughter at all the ways I tell you I care when you don’t. The dreams of you laughing at me and breaking my heart into pieces. This is the war I fight with daily. It is the battles I face almost minute by minute 24/7.
But I guess a part that is worse is maybe the fact I keep trying to convince myself you really care when the evidence has been shown few if any times. I struggle with the realization that I truly do not know how you feel. And I look for any reason, no matter how minute, any sign that tells me you truly care. You play your thoughts and feelings close to the chest. I truly, want to know, how you feel. But at the same juncture, I am terrified of knowing. What if you don’t care? That would kill me inside. That would hurt me much more than the incessant torture I commit against myself.
I never tell anyone of my ceaseless torture. I never tell of how I do not sleep at night due to the staring at the ceiling of my room playing my least favorite game. The “What If” game seems to be an unending cycle in my mind. I dissect every little word, every little letter, to decide what you meant. Sometimes I ponder a single word for days on end, speculating the true meaning behind your words. I contemplate the pictures you send me. I digest each sentence for your tone and your true connotation.
I also keep it a secret of how often I just look at the pictures that you have sent me. I don’t expose the amount of time I get lost in your gorgeous eyes. Has anyone else unearthed the instances when you are playing across the theater of my mind? If they have, no one has been forthcoming with the information.
Will I ever get the answers I seek? Or will I live my life as I normally do? Will I continue to search every conversation, every photo, or every emoji for some hidden meaning? Will I ever be certain of whom I am talking to? Will I carry on being in a near total state of fear over every little thing?
I often examine just how much you know about my feelings? I mull over if you think of me as often as I think of you? I ceaselessly evaluate my place in your world.
This absolute hell I endure without you in my life will be the death of me. I would welcome death as it means I would get away from the round the clock misery I face. I could cease the multitude of questions I face. And perhaps I could still the ocean of depression that washes over me perpetually.
As I lay here and stare at the white expanse above my head, I struggle with cancelling the movie that is playing behind my eyes. Revoking the voices that are so judgmental, that it sends me deeper into the abyss of my despondency. While the images are displayed on the screen above my head, the rivers run from my eyes. The recollections of the most meaningful times with you, my immortal beloved, play through at a dizzying rate. But while they race past, a heart wrenching idea takes their place. What if? What if all these memories never happened? What if they are all constructs of my diseased mind? Am I deluding myself that you feel the same? That you love me as I love you. This belief has continued to enter my brain more times than I want to recount. However, every time it does, the collateral damage to my heart renews. This is the affliction that I want to remove from my life. Can I do that without the knowledge that will likely take me to the place I may not recover from? This I ponder because I honestly do not have the answer.
All the answers lie in the unknown of your thoughts and mind. While you are keenly aware of them, I do not have the foggiest sense of what they are. So do I continue in my longing and pining away for you my love? Or do I just stop the thoughts, and communication? Am I brave enough to go without the only love that keeps me out of the darkness I don’t want to succumb to?