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Yet another disappoinment, usually due to some ridiculous delusion, but not this time
1 year ago · 0 · Depression, +4 · Explicit
168
I was so excited, probably too excited when we first spoke with each other. For years I'd been so isolated by numerous things. Physical distance, health issues, anxiety and of course, the curse of many souls just fucking miserably depressed about the state of this planet.
It was a simple math class online but we quickly moved beyond algebra to the top films you and your mate were making a top ten list, with a vague 200 categories. I of course was beyond ecstatic to share my untapped talent. Years of bed rest watching and diagnosing films finally paying off with a friend to unravel and quarrel over their worthiness. Which category, do they deserve? Anything considering the hundreds of previous contenders from decades past and what beyond a subjective point of view could this list mean?
Hours always flew by and our conversations would occasionally turn to pains of the mind and heart. Past blackness that intruded upon our individual lives and stained us in ways we related. We were late rebloomers, both of us acknowledged our current unwanted states of life, or perhaps just hibernation? The challenges of studying and moving forward to our goals in spite of trauma, of health problems, of the world, life and what not, especially the what not. In spite of this sport that we owned and named and continued to serve between each other, we both knew it's real name, procrastination, the curse of low self esteem and intelligence. The requirement for the adrenaline to push us past the finish line....and it did.
Then came an unexpected lull, a newfound shitty escape that evolved past ghosting, the new generation of the polite exit. The chatting became less frequent and the actual talkies stopped altogether. I remembered you telling me of the 'friend' you were assisting and how little you liked him but still you were helping him anyway, at the time thinking you were a good person, you didn't want to disappoint him. You spoke of him often, a similar soul in a small town, just an asshole unfortunately. You were obviously generous enough to freely give up you time to someone you didn't respect. I took it as a sign of generosity but I'd forgotten the way my own frenemy spoke of the people she helped but detested...I had chosen to miss that part. The pit in my stomach when she stabbed the people she hugged in the back.
You once told me you couldn't be bothered telling someone you cared so little for the reality of your true feelings. At the time I accepted your explanation even though it made little sense. I wondered of your pain I knew nothing of. I realized I'd overshared as usual when I'd thought I'd met a common soul but this had happened before and I'd been left alone with my stories thrown to the open air with no one to hold onto them, no one that cared enough to grab hold. But by then it's always to late...
"Tell him the truth why don't you?" I'd asked you after you'd complained of another frustrating, wasted day spent with him. Your reply made no sense at all until days afterwards. You said "If I don't care much for people I'll not bother using the energy to explain to them why our relationship isn't what I want, I'd rather just keep going....I guess was the finality of this choice of dealing with people.
So came the last few weeks of our study together and the lack of replies to simple inquiries and my film selections you'd been initially interested in sat online ignored.
You, who I shared my intimate fears of dying in this small town, never finding my tribe, of my loyal canine soul companion dying at my feet while I tried to study to find my place in fixing this world, you sharing numerous personal stories, hopes, goals, now silent. I'd finally been able to speak to someone else of some of the horror of the world and people, nature, science, death, free will...Hours of shared connection I'd not had for years had left a void. For days I felt robbed and frustrated with you, if you'd not created this space then I wouldn't now be facing this loss.
Coward is easy to say, to label you with. But when you think you know someone there is always a part of you that reasons with the knowledge you have only a glimpse of them and of that shared experience, of what they chose to be honest about. Perhaps all they could be of, even with themselves.
So I draw a line my wobbly line (no rulers involved) in the sand and sit on my side and though I'll never see the end of your journey I hope the honest words of encouragement I gave you will stay with you, they were all from the heart.
Real connections between people without expectations are a rare thing. I wish you all the best and I would want to say I believe in you, beyond the goodbye I'd said to you days ago.
I feel proud of myself when I fly backwards through time, when I asked you if a friendship was possible and I didn't give up until I got an honest answer.
I stand by my understanding of your thinking when it came to us not having free will. Free will is the horror of the fearful, to believe you will always have a choice, to always be free to choose your own adventure and have to deal with the consequences, perhaps why you fought for over an hour to try to disprove free will because you were relying upon never having to change, on blaming life for your being and if you never made any effort to do anything differently, well, It's destiny after all whatever happens will happen regardless. But there is one difference between people that accept fate and those that believe we have free will. The latter can always choose to do better, to be better and I believe that is the answer to doing anything worthwhile in this life.
However still May the odds forever be in your favour, dingbat. I await the magic you create in this world
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