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When the time I knew from the look of her face, I knew she was going to pass away. But I tried my so HARDEST to avoid that feeling. She had stage 4 cancer for 5 years and I am Thankful that she lived in those 5 years instead of passing away in a month like other people who had this sickness. But when I saw her. She didn't look like she had a face to live, her eyes were yellow, her mouth was open when she slept, he body was bloated. She couldn't even open her eyes for 1 minute and go back to sleep. She couldn't stand. It was heart breaking to see her in such state. That even I think that she doesn't even deserve that much pain. But that's too selfish of me to think
When her heart beat dropped in the hospital,.. It was so hard for me to understand that this was real, it didn't feel right, I just couldn't accept it. It feels like everything is dull without her.
She is like the beaming light to my family, the person whos happy, generous, kind, shes just.. Everything and to hard to let go. My aunts family members which I am also part of the family of course, I didn't see them shred a tear when we were in St. Peter's to pray for her soul. My dad none. Both of my brothers none. My Grand mother none. I was a little envious that they looked like the didnt cry, while I could even cry the whole ocean.
I couldn't even cry without tears getting on my eyes when I think about her, when somebody says something about her. Its so painful for me to understand that she's gone.
But the only thing That's keeping me on hold is that all the good memories I had with her. All the best and beutiful moments that happend. Sometimes I even thought I think I should work hard like she did for me and my sibling
I love her too much and I couldn't even say how much I did to her. I feel so ashamed for that. But I hope that she knew How much I loved her
Sometimes I even think that I want her to be my parent instead of having my actual parents. And I hope that you actually know that's how much I love you even though you already gone from this world..
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